Today

The Sunday after John passed away, my friend invited me to attend his church service.  I’ve pretty much been going to Bethel Lutheran every Sunday, except for missing a few for the Philly LiveStrong Challenge, Miles for Melanoma 5K, Melanoma Messenger training, and a Ravens game…  you know… pretty important stuff…  I really hadn’t attended church frequently before… rather infrequently would be more precise.

Sometimes, I wonder what John would think.  But I think John would be happy with whatever helps to bring me a little bit of peace in this crazy world and in my sad situation.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand why John isn’t here with Nathaniel and me.  Or why there are abusive fathers, murders, and rapists who live long healthy lives, while my dear husband who was a WONDERFUL father is gone.  But I’ve come to understand that there are some things that just don’t need to be understood.  It’s happened… it’s over with.. it’s done… life goes on… no use making myself crazy or bitter or angry over what I have no control over and can’t change.

Every time, I go to church, I’ve taken something away that Pastor Mark has said.  In fact, there are a few sermons that seem like they were written for me.

On Sunday, one of the things discussed was “today.”  People are always saying… “I plan to…” “I will…” “In the future…” “Within the next 5 years…”  He said it’s easy to do that because people rarely truly commit to their plans.  It’s easy to push it back or file it in the “not so important bin.”  He said it is more important to do things now– to do them today.

It really hit home to me… I’ve been saying to myself… things like… “I hope to ride more…”  “I need to eat better.”  “I need to start exercising.”  etc, etc, & so forth…

I reflected on my marriage.  John had one place where he wanted to go… Hawaii.  Now did John on his deathbed think– jeez– I never made it to Hawaii.  I doubt it.  But fact of the matter is he never got to go.  We would have had such a fun time.  Had we really focused on going years ago… we could have gone… but it was always easier to say… sometime… and sometime never happened…

John had other goals too… he wanted to get a 4 year degree in Fire Science.  He wanted to make Lieutenant at work in 2009.  He wanted to eventually work in the fire investigators office– many years down the road.  He wanted to teach more fire classes.  He wanted to raise his son.  He wanted to ride his bike more.  He wanted to do more for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

In his 35 years, John had reached many goals, don’t get me wrong, but for some reason, I’ve been thinking about what he didn’t achieve lately.

Sure, you can’t exactly make all of your goals and dreams happen all at once or right now.  But… if you really want something start it… use the self discipline and make it work… none of us know how much time we have.

So… I’ve been eating salads since Sunday… grant it… it’s only Tuesday, but it’s a start…

Poem- His Journey’s Just Begun by Ellen Brenneman

In my journey to try to heal, I run across many great books, poems, quotes, and songs.  Here’s one worth sharing.

His Journey’s Just Begun

Don’t think of him as gone away-
his journey has just begun
life holds many facets
the Earth is only one

Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years

Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost-
And he was loved so much.

- Ellen Brenneman

It snowed today

Friday was a very special day, but it requires more energy than I have at this point… so more on Friday later…

Saturday it snowed.  I thought about how John liked the snow.  One of the memories I’ll treasure was when we went out walking in the field after it had snowed.  We found a “critter highway” where small animals had made a path comparable to our I-95!

I thought about how after a big snow, he’d made a path for me so I could feed the horses.

I hope there aren’t big snows for a while… I’m not ready yet.

I thought about how John always shoveled…

I thought about how John would have enjoyed watching Nathaniel as he strolled through the snow.

Nathaniel in the snow 12-05-09

There it is again- “John Smith”

I left my cell phone next to my bed last night… or this AM… It was after 2 AM when I went to bed.  When I woke up this AM, I got dressed, put on my watch, and grabbed the cell.  I noticed that there was a call on the front.  When I picked it up and looked at it, there it was again- “John Smith.”  When I flipped it open to check the details “12/15/08.”

I smiled, rubbed my ring, rubbed the phone, and said a “I love you.” to John.  Then I fondly put my cell phone (which used to be his cell phone) in my pocket.

I wondered:

• if it was just a friendly hello.
• did he know that I needed a smile.
• maybe he’s happy that my parents are up to visit Nathaniel.
• perhaps he’s happy that we went through Herr’s last night to show Nathaniel the lights.  Nathaniel “oohed & ahhed” as we drove through.
• maybe he’s happy that I got my new pair of Brit Middies from Oxford and I won’t have cold wet feet anymore!
• if he’s glad that we’re going to the doctor today to get Nathaniel’s ear checked out and my odd pains (that I’ve been putting off and ignoring for months) looked at.
• it could be that he’s happy that Soil Conservation came out to see if we might qualify for any of their plans.  That I want to get fencing put up and maintain the pasture correctly, start out on the right foot, and do everything that I can to have happy, healthy horses, low maintenance care, and keep it well maintained with goals of keeping our farm as mud free as possible and have it be a farm that we’re proud of- one that is efficient, functional, and well maintained.
• maybe he’s happy that we’re planning to go to Longwood Gardens to see the Christmas displays.  I know Nathaniel will be amazed because it always impresses me!
• but, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s happy with the project I’ve been working on and will be delivering today.  I think he’d be very proud of that.  My friend and her daughter have been working tirelessly for the last two days and I’ve been putting thought in it to make them as nice as I can for over a month.  As we put the finishing touches on them, I’m very happy with how they turned out and I can’t wait to deliver them to Annapolis, today!!!
• maybe he’s even happy that after the delivery, we’ll be having a “ladies night out.”  I don’t know that it would exactly be his choice, it’s not mine either, but it will be nice to get out!  I love my son with all of my heart, but it’s nice to be an adult for a while and not always “mommy.”

Whatever the reason… “Thank you, John.  I love you…”

Calling a fire station

A few nights ago, at work, I had an account that I needed to call.  My account recognition skills told me that our customer was a paid firefighter.

On a  side note- paid firefighter or career firefighter is the correct terminology for someone who receives compensation for performing the job of firefighting.  John used to give me a hard time if I screwed up and accidentally said professional firefighter.  It was one of his pet peeves.  He’d tell me that all firefighters were professionals.  Volunteers are just as professional as paid firefighters.  John was a volunteer first and he never forgot that.  When it came to firefighting John was ALWAYS a professional.

And now back to the original discussion– Months ago, I would have loved to make the call, but now, I didn’t want to.

Months ago, I would have proudly told our customer that my husband was also a career firefighter for the City of Annapolis.  I probably would have had a quick, polite chat with the customer.  Now, I was afraid that mentioning that John used to be a firefighter would send me to tears.  I can’t even tell you how badly I still want to be a firefighter’s wife and not a firefighter’s widow– and of course… not just any firefighter’s wife… John’s wife…

The more I thought about calling, the more emotional I got.

Finally, I dialed the number and hoped for an answering machine.

The first call got an answering machine.  One down… one to go.

Come on answering machine…

No such luck.

The second call went through to the station.  The man who answered the phone was very polite and when he heard my reason for calling he told me that our customer was at a different station and gave me his number.

It reminded me of a call that I’d made earlier that day to AFD and how helpful the man who answered the phone was.  He told me that he used to work with John and gave me his phone number and told me that if I ever needed anything he wasn’t too far away.  Then he put me in touch with somebody who could answer my questions.  I’d choked up during that phone call when I was asked how Thanksgiving was.  I told her that Thanksgiving was great up until the time I got Nathaniel packaged and was headed down the road and suddenly felt like something very important was missing without John in the car.  I should have been in the passenger’s seat.  John should have been driving.  I should have had my hand rubbing his leg while we chatted about how excited the relatives would be to see Nathaniel.  Instead… I was the driver… not even a passenger up front… nobody to share smiles or conversation with… I then felt so lonely that I went to the cemetery before and after dinner because I missed him so much.  Brookview is such a peaceful little cemetery that it usually helps me feel better.

At the other station our customer answered the phone. He was a very nice gentleman and appreciated the call.  I didn’t mention firefighting at all.

After I got off of the phone, as I sat at my desk working away, the tears came.  I continued working… everybody else was working away in their cubes and my tears were silent.  A friend stopped by on her way out… by then the tears had subsided, but I’m sure I still looked red eyed.  She asked if I was okay.

I told her, “I’m hanging in there.”

In John’s words- Who I’d like to meet

This is from John’s My Space.

Who I’d like to meet:

I’d really like to meet the big guy with the master plan behind this whole deal we call life, so I can ask him just what the hell he thinks he’s doing…

Irony or not

AT 5:30 AM I was awakened by Nathaniel screaming.  Once I roused myself out of bed, I went and picked him up.  He was still crying and wouldn’t settle.  I tried everything I could think of to no avail.

John had  a cute checklist  song that I wish I could remember it went something like…

A-”A” Boy what’s your problem

B- Bottle

C D – Change Diaper

or it may have been…

A-”A” Boy what’s your problem

B- Burp

C – Change diaper

D- Drink bottle

It’s one of those things I just can’t quite remember anymore… but it was so cute.  John had came up with it and I loved to hear him sing it… it took so much stress out of a screaming baby in the middle of the night.  And it was just hard to be frustrated when you were smiling at your husband.

But this AM, I really wished I had another set of brains to figure out what was bothering kiddo.  He has a molar coming in, so that could have been it.  Maybe he had a bad dream.  I don’t know.

Finally, after a diaper change, some holding, some patting his back, some talking to, offering him a bottle, and applying oragel.  I stood in his room holding him and I talked to John and asked him to help his boy or to let me know what was wrong.  I asked him to chase away any bad dreams and to keep Nathaniel safe and watch over him.  I then said a little prayer as well.

Nathaniel cried himself to sleep.  He didn’t cry too long, but it was torturous for me to listen to.

I found myself laying in bed, staring into the dark, feeling helpless.  What kind of a mother was I if I couldn’t soothe my own child?  I know, it probably happens to all mothers, but I was tired and frustrated.  Before I knew it, I was laying there crying and I started talking to John.  I told him how sorry I was that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Nathaniel.  And how terrible I felt.  And how I wished he was here to help because he was just so much better at figuring Nathaniel out.  I asked him to help me if he could- either comfort Nathaniel or smack me upside the head and clue me in on what the problem was.

Well today, I drive to Brookview and get out of the car.  After my short visit at John’s grave,  I get back in and start the car the lyric  “No more tears.” comes in over the radio.  That exact verse was the first thing I heard.

Here’s the song if you don’t know it… and I’ve never watched the video (just searched it to get the song), so I have no idea what is in it… consider yourself possibly warned…

I don’t know… it could just be irony.  But the first thing I thought about was how many tears I’d shed early this AM in trying to pacify Nathaniel.  Maybe it was John’s way of telling me that I’m doing okay and not to be so hard on myself.  I don’t know…

I can just see John dancing around

About 7 this evening, Nathaniel pulled out my Ravens jersey and handed it to me.  I put it on and thanked him for reminding me that the game was on.  I then was disappointed to find out that it wasn’t on Channel 13- which comes in on my TV.

So, I listened to the game on 98 Rock since Channel 11 doesn’t come in on the TV.  It has been a very exciting game.  When it went into overtime I could  just picture John getting all animated and yelling at the TV screen… unless we were at the game in which case I can only guess he’d be out of his seat screaming… I’ve never been to a football game… or any sporting event (other than dragging him to horse shows) with John, so I’m only guessing.  Our buddy who took him to the games could tell me what he would have been doing.

After they win tonight, the first thing that comes to mind is John dancing around with Nathaniel after the Raven’s wins last season…

John & Nathaniel celebrating Ravens victory, January 10, 2009

John & Nathaniel celebrating victory, January 10, 2009

If anybody hears something that sounded like thunder… it was probably John and all of the Ravens fans jumping up and down!

As the Ravens postcard magnet that I put at John’s grave says, “Wish you were here.”  I’d much rather be sharing the moment with John whether it be watching it on TV or at the stadium.  But you know,  for right now, I’m just going to be glad that the Ravens won!!!  Especially against the Steelers.

Crisp night, day filled of memories

I just got in from feeding the horses.  The air is crisp with a chill to it.  The grass is beginning to form a frost and the windshield of the Forester is becoming covered covered by icy fingers.  Other than my frozen fingers (bad choice of gloves for the Reynaud fingers), it is so peaceful- so quiet- so still.

I’m tired, but my time outside momentarily gave me new life.

It was a long day, but one filled with many good memories.  A friend, her daughter, Nathaniel, and I went out to lunch, dinner, and Christmas shopping.  I bought a few things for Nathaniel.  I love the age where you can go shopping for him and he doesn’t care that he sees what you’re getting for him and won’t let him have till later.

I got several things for myself- a cozy pair of pajamas made of fleece.  They weren’t the footy pajamas that I wanted, but they were so soft and warm and 40% off.  I figure I’m worth 40% less.  I hate sleeping in a cold bed alone.  Hate it!!!  Hate it!!!  Hate it!!! But, since it is something, I have to do, I might as well be warm doing it.

I got 2 pairs of thermal socks at buy one get one 1/2 off.  I figured my feet deserved them… especially till my pair of Brit Middies come in.  I found a heck of a deal on them, but they didn’t have my size.  My current pair that I LOVE and has lasted for quite a few years has holes in it and my feet get wet or cold when the weather is less than ideal.

Yesterday, I got a Pik Stik at Ace when it was on sale.  It will come in handy if I decide to do a project that I’m considering.  I thought of how John wanted one when he was bedridden, but I had no clue where to get one.

A family that I met in the cemetery gave me a great idea.  Her son died in an auto accident and left behind two boys.  In her house she used a wall as a tribute area.  I liked the idea and ran it past a few friends.  I want to honor John, or family, and our life together, but I don’t want to seem like I’m stuck in a rut and obsessed.  My friends loved the idea.  It’s still coming to fruition in my head.  I often need mulling time and eventually things will come to me.  Sometimes I get some excellent suggestions from others and it is a collaborative effort.  So, we’ll see.  But, I picked up a set of shelves and some cubes that I can use to decorate.  I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for frames.  I’m not sure if random colors and sizes would be best or if it would be best to have them all one style.  John would probably pick silver/stainless steel, but you really need the right kind of photo to go well with a silver frame.  I also don’t know that our color of wall goes with silver frames.  I don’t intend on painting the wall!  I got a deal on some prints… 50 4 x6 prints for $5.00, so I ordered 50 photos that I liked of John (Here’s the link if you want to see them).  So… I have some photos to start with.  I picked them up today and LOVE how they turned out.  But, who knows when it will happen.  I need somebody with decorating style.

I’m also on a mission to make my house warmer without spending a ton of money on oil this year.  I’ve had no luck finding a space heater that will keep my warm and cozy.  So, at the recommendation of a friend which was backed up by other friends, I got some window insulating kits.  When the wind blows, which it often does, you can just feel the air coming in from the front of the house.  I also got an insulated curtain to hang in front of the patio door.  My friend suggested a goldish color.  I wasn’t quite sure how it would look, but after we hung it, I LOVE it!!  It brightens the room and adds some visual excitement to the room.  When we got home, my friends helped me put up some of the window kits.  So, hopefully that will help.

We shared fond memories of John.  From how he’d laugh at her cutting abilities as we were putting up the plastic.  We talked about how much Nathaniel looks like John.  John had been her husband’s best man for his first wedding.  John pointed out a window and mentioned that her husband still had time to jump.  We talked about John’s favorite holiday.  Honestly, my assumption would be Christmas, but I think after John lost his father, Christmas just wasn’t the same.  We’d talked about it last Christmas and John was finally starting to think that he’d enjoy Christmas again now that he had a child.  Sigh.

Well… I”m getting tired… it’s almost 2 AM… staying up till I’m tired is most effective for me.  So- time for bed…

Last photos

I was working on a photo project today and ended up in tears.

Partially from looking at healthy photos of John and hating how melanoma took away his life.  It changed him from a strong active, healthy man into a very weak, tired, pale, very sick person.   John was somebody who had done 100 mile bike rides and fought fires all day.  As his cancer worsened he had to use a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair and towards the end needed assistance to get out of bed.  FUCKING CANCER!!!!

And then I ended up crying from looking at the sick photos of John.  He looked so pale and weak.  Cancer sucks… sucks the color from your body… sucks your energy away… sucks the weight off your bones… sucks the life from your body… CANCER JUST PLAIN SUCKS!!!

Anyway, I came across the last photos of John and Nathaniel and John and me.

John & Nathaniel, June 23, 2009

John & Nathaniel, June 23, 2009

John & Nathaniel, June 23, 2009  Nathaniel was playing a game with John- something to do with making silly faces and silly noises.

John loved his boy, so much.  When John was too weak, he loved for me to put him up in bed with him.  But we had to be so careful.  Nathaniel was so strong and John so weak.  If Nathaniel got to squirming or crawling I had to be super careful that John didn’t get hurt.  John had been drinking fruit punch and his lips were so red in these photos.

John & Mary's last photo together at the Team Smitty Fundraiser at Stan & Joe's on July 11, 2009

Poor John just looks wiped in this photo.  He wanted to go so to Stan & Joe’s so badly, but he was so very, very weak.  He ended up getting a transfusion shortly after.  It’s odd to see John in a baseball cap.  He almost never wore one.  They had it made up for the fundraiser.  John said to me, “It’s probably so people will know who I am.  So if somebody asks they can say, “he’s the guy in the Team Smitty hat.”"  John still had his sense of humor.  It’s one of the things I miss so much.

I guess in my mind, I’ve separated the bad memories of from when John was so sick and weak and pale (and worst of all- yellow) and I remember John the way he was before he was so sick.  I think I have to for sanity.   After his mother died it took months, if not a year to remember her before she was sick.  I had memories of her gasping for air and writhing in pain and I couldn’t separate them…  Maybe I can remember the good memories with John because we fought so hard and never gave up– John went out fighting.  While we were fighting I did everything in my power to hope and believe and fight and claw and pray that we’d get our miracle.  So maybe I “ran” through the bad times and skipped them– like running through a storm to miss the raindrops.

DAMN CANCER!!!!  FUCKING MELANOMA!!!

At least I have wonderful memories… cancer can’t take that away from me… I’m terrified over time that they’ll fade away and I’ll forget John, but only time will tell…