This AM, I wake up early with something on my mind.  In my head I’m formulating putting together a Photo Book for Nathaniel in memory of his father.  I’m thinking of what to include for text, photos, how to organize, and even the wording…

Why is this important?  It’s not…  Certainly not important enough to wake up at before 7:30 AM when I hadn’t been to bed till after 2AM and had more time to sleep.  The brain works in strange ways with mixed up priorities, sometimes.  Or so I think…

So anyway, I’m laying there in bed contemplating layouts, photos, and font styles when I should be sleeping (can you tell I LOVED yearbook in high school) and finally decide that trying to sleep more is useless. 

I come downstairs & check my e-mail… Low &  behold there is a coupon from Shutterfly for a Free photo book!!!! 


Needless to say… another Mary K. Smith photo book will soon be in the works!  I LOVE putting together photo books… some people like to scrapbook… I’m neither neat enough, nor talented enough to put together something that would meet with my expectations.  I’ve made photo books for the farm to serve as personal memories as well as handy to take out to horse shows for stall displays.  I also made a baby book for Nathaniel.

Backtracking a little bit… to the sleep issue.  I’ll be honest.  Sleeping has been hard.  I wait till I’m tired before going to bed… sometimes that is 11 PM…. more often after midnight or 1 or 2… or later… then I go to bed.  No matter who tired I am or if I had just gotten up from falling asleep on the couch… as soon as I get in bed I lay there thinking about John… missing him… sumarizing the day in my mind and thinking to myself what would John think of the day (Would he have enjoyed a walk at the dam? Would he have been disapointed that Nathaniel cried too much?  What would he have suggested for handling the tractor situation?  Wishing I could see the smile on his face when Nathaniel said “puff” and pointed to the container.  Just a multitude of thoughts).  Sometimes I smile thinking of John, but there are always tears to some degreee.  Then, usually… eventually sleep takes over.   Sometimes it is just a few minutes… sometimes longer… On occasion… I’ll have to get up & come downstairs and get on the computer and then try again, but eventually I do get sleep.

In a way it’s un-justified.  John & I haven’t slept in the same bed since probably April.  His hip bothered him and he’d sleep on the couch and then he got a hospital bed.  Before that when I was working, I worked nights… I slept during the day and typically we only shared a bed on the weekend.  I’ve worked nights for years.  So, what is my problem… get over it.  I find that I usually do fine with daytime naps…. maybe it’s because I’m used to sleeping alone during the day. 

So… logically it doesn’t make sense, but maybe it is the combination of the dark & the bed since that is when we got to share a bed.  Like I said… the brain works in mysterious ways… the combination must bring back memories and the longing for one last embrace one last snuggle.  I used to love being snuggled up with John… feeling so loved, comfortable and safe & now that feeling is gone forever.  When you don’t have those moments anymore you heart grieves for… “just one more.”

I know of several widows (that damn “W” word) who couldn’t sleep in their own bed for years and years.  Ann slept downstairs on the couch… and it wasn’t a comfortable couch or a pull out couch.  So, I know I’m not the only one struggling.  I know I’m not odd and it’s very typical behavior.

I’m also determined to get past my issues.  Winnie cat tries to help.  Some nights, she acts as the “bed police” and does everything she can to get me to come to bed.  Other nights she hangs out nearby & waits patiently till I’m ready.  Every night she goes to bed with me and is her supportive feline self.  She’s ready for a pet if offered and letting me just cry when I need to.  I hope that time will heal.  I’m also glad that we didn’t get the king sized bed that John wanted & I disagreed with.  There would be no way that I’d be able to sleep all alone in a king sized bed. 

  So… some sleepless night in the near future, you can bet I’ll be working on my next and maybe most important photo book yet!

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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