When does it get easier?

I’ll be honest.  The last two days have been rough.  I don’t know why, but they have.  Maybe it’s because I was so looking forward to the Challenge & now it’s over.  Throughout John’s illness I’ve been so driven… and focused on how to make the best decisions for treatments, what path to take, research… research… research…, how can we cure, how can we treat, how can we prolong, how can we keep comfortable…

Now everything just seems to be some ubiquitous oozing blob… so many stuff all branching off into different directions.  What to do about work- days?  nights?  career change?  What to do about Nathaniel?  Am I doing the right things with parenting?  What do I do for childcare?  How to afford childcare?  How do I pay the bills?  What is wrong with the tractor?  How much will it cost to fix?  Will it stay fixed?  Is there anything else that can be cut, so I can keep what I want to keep?  Anyway to stay at home?  How can I keep the house?  How can I keep what we’ve worked so hard to achieve?  How can I keep my dream… maybe the only dream left anymore?  Can I keep the horses?  Which horses can I keep?  What exactly do you do with beloved, but “pet” horses?  Will I be able to send Nathaniel to college when the time comes?  How can I appropriately honor John and keep his memory alive?  How do I communicate to Nathaniel what a great dad he had?  Will I ever be able to go to sleep in my bed without crying?  Can I learn how to mow the lawn?  How will I mow the lawn with a toddler?  Will I be able to work the horses with a little one?  Will I be able to get enough sleep when I go back to work?  Can I juggle everything that I need to juggle?  What other paperwork is going to come through that will prove difficult to handle?  What am I forgetting to find out about?  What else do I need to take care of?  What needs to be added to the list?  What needs to be crossed off?  Is it bad to eat cereal for dinner?  Is my heel ever going to stop hurting?  What happens if I get sick?  What happens if I get hurt?  How will I react if the mourning doves leave?

I don’t know… I guess there’s a few things that have been bugging me over the last few days.

I’ve been angry at myself for “being such a girl.”  I’m finding so many things that I just don’t know anything about…. I always just let John handle them.  Like the lawnmower.  Ask me to start the lawnmower.  I don’t know how.  Ask me to drive it… I don’t know how.  Am I capable of learning?  Sure.  I just chose not to.  That was a “man” job.  Checking the air in the tires was a man job.  Changing wiper blades is a “man” job.  Changing oil… well… that’s a pay somebody to do it job 😉  Honestly, there are a heck of a lot of things that I know NOTHING about.  I couldn’t disconnect the front end loader if my life depended on it.  I also couldn’t hook up the mower deck to the John Deere if I needed too.  I’m getting better at scooping with the bucket & scraping paddocks, but I’m far from good. 

On the flip side, I also have to know to trust my gut when I feel right.  The tractor felt like it was driving like crap… I didn’t know why.  I just knew it didn’t feel right.  Same with the generator… my gut told me that it wasn’t working, but I was hesitant to follow.  Sometimes gut feelings are right. 

So, when the John Deere was leaking fluid & I was told that it’s been doing that for a year and a half… that bugged me.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t notice.  I felt stupid.  I’ll probably feel even dumber when I get the bill from Atlantic Tractor… well… definitely poorer, at least. 

I also learned the hard way that when the breaker to the house gets turned off I should make sure that everything got turned back on.  And that if the barn lights don’t work, I should investigate more than just go, “I’ll use a flashlight,”  because it could be that the breaker in the garage blew & there is no power to the freezer.  😦  Oh well.  Now I know. 

I also fell when feeding in the dark.  I wasn’t using the flashlight, the grass was tall & wet and I mis-judged where the dip was.  I slipped… I fell.  I was fine… a little bruised and my neck was a little jarred… but no harm not foul.  The first thing that popped into my head was, what if Nathaniel was in the pack & I fell.  The second thought was, what if I’d hurt myself and couldn’t get up?  In reality, I had my cell in my pocket & I could have called had I needed help. 

I’ve had problems getting the Nathaniel Smith Scholarship Fund opened up…  technicallities.  Finally, that got taken care of today.

I’m going to end it here for today… getting tired… must take advantage od sleep when it’s offereed!!!

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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