Can you call your husband and ask him…

Today, I had an interesting conversation with John from Atlantic Tractor.   I’ve been getting increasingly frustrated that they’ve had the tractor for over a week.  I really needed it over the weekend and didn’t have it.  Today, John from the service department calls to discuss how it doesn’t have hardly any power.  He asked me if the hydraulic fluid and filters had been changed.  I told him that I wasn’t sure.  He asked me if I could “call my husband and ask him?”  I don’t remember exactly what I told him, but I said that my husband was deceased.  That was followed by a very awkward silence on his part.  Maybe he’ll think twice before asking FEMALES to check with the MEN about the tractor. 

Of course, that being said, I (female) realize that I really need to learn about “men” things.  I’ve been very guilty of letting John handle everything from fence repairs, to tire pressure, to mowing the lawn. 

I called Howard and told him of the conversation & determined that the fluid had been changed.  He said that he’d really like to talk to John, too, if I could figure out how to make that call.  I thought… yep… me too… me too…

One of the things that John felt strongly about is that you need to live life with “no regrets.”  In the end, I think he had one, but if you can live your life with only one regret, I think that’s pretty good.  🙂  When John was diagnosed with Stage IV and we had big medical decisions to make, I convinced myself that no matter what happened, I’d be comfortable with the decisions we made and have no regrets.  Strangely, I’ve been able to follow that.  I truly feel that we fought the melanoma with everything we had and did all that we could do and I’m at peace with that decision.  Medical science just isn’t good enough yet and we didn’t get our miracle.

What has been hard is all of the “one mores” that I wish we could have had… one more hug… one more “I love you.”… one more snuggle… one more group hug with the boy… one more bike ride… one more kiss… one more conversation… 

That being said… I’m going to head upstairs to a lonely bed… Good night!

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Cycling, Life after John's Death, Nathaniel, Pre-stage IV, Stage IV and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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