Spreading seeds

Today, I took Nathaniel to Toddler Time at the library.  The library programs for the kids are nothing short of AWESOME!!  In Nathaniel’s case it also gives him a good opportunity to interact with other kids his age.  In addition, Susan, who does Toddler Time is just an amazing lady.  We have a lot in common and I really enjoy not only what she does for the kids, but talking with her.

After, Toddler Time, we headed to the cemetery.  I’ve been to the cemetery everyday since John was buried.  It just seems like the right thing to do.  Most days I only stay a few moments.

Today, when I pulled up there was a dump truck next to John’s grave.  I knew they were fixing the hole (that had started from all the rain).  I wasn’t quite sure what the appropriate thing to do would be… I could always come back later, but once I’m home, I like to remain home & I didn’t have anything else scheduled for the day.  I decided to get out and go about my business as usual.

As I walked over, I said “hello” to the men working on the grave and said, “Good to see you’re taking good care of him.”  I walked over and stood and talked as they added fresh dirt and leveled John’s grave.   We got to talking about things and the man mentioned that he’d been a widow for 14 years and pointed to his wife’s grave.  She’d had cancer too– ovarian.  Another of those that isn’t a good one to have.  Sigh.  She had survived about 2 years following her diagnosis– they initially had given her 3 months.  In John’s case they had estimated a year (optimistically, although the TIL and IL2 have had people with “permanent” regression) and he got 5 months.  He had been her caregiver.  In short, I was talking to somebody who had been in my shoes.  It was clear that the pain was still there 14 years later.  Just like I know if 14 years, I’ll still have a hole in my heart for John.

He pulled out the grass seed and started spreading it over John’s grave.  I asked for a handful and I spread it.  It felt like the right thing to do.  I was continuing to take care of my husband.  He got to the end of the bag and handed me the rest to let me finish.  It just felt very right.  I know John would have appreciated it.

I almost didn’t take Nathaniel on our bike ride because of a very light drizzle.  Once it seemed like it had stopped (which it had) I got him ready and we went on our ride.  I thought of the drizzle on the seeds and hopefully it was just enough to help them germinate and hopefully we won’t get a heavy rain that will wash them away.

On a side note, I had a conversation with somebody who needed to “understand my situation” in order to approve something.  I apologize for the vagueness, but it is work related.  I got the feeling that the individual felt I should be “healed” and everything should be taken care of.  Sorry… death of a spouse is not like a cold– where you feel crappy for a few days or a week and then you’re all better and the cold is quickly forgotten…

Unless you’ve lived through losing a spouse- no one can not understand how hard it is to deal with the emotional side of grief (crying every night, crying over random things, the feeling of pure and utter loneliness), the financial ramifications (how am I going to pay the bills on my salary, how am I going to keep the house, do I have to let go of my “other babies”), raising a young son- and doing everything you can to keep his life happy and normal while yours has disintegrated, caring for a farm & horses, dealing with everything that needs to be done, dealing with what hadn’t been taken care of during John’s illness, handling paperwork, trying to locate childcare when the last thing I want to do is put my child into someone else’s care, and trying to still be positive and love life as I had before.  I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve wished that I could just get John’s input on what to do.

But long story short–NO, I’m not all better now and yes, I need more time.

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Cycling, Friends, Leaky Creek, Life after John's Death, Nathaniel and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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