Today, Scott from AFD was going to come by to help me with some things around the house. I got a GREAT surprise when not only Scott, but Debbie, Joe, & Pat showed up! I can’t tell you how great it was to see everybody! I wish we’d had more time to just chat, but we got busy with working on projects- and there was a lot to be done. We got SO many things accomplished today. The piano after much cleaning is now in the house. Nathaniel already thinks it is fun to play. The low spots around the house got filled in, so hopefully that will keep water out. The horses also got some more stone dust added to their paddock. Kiddo’s car seat was put into the Jeep- it had came out when John was sick and we needed more room in the back seat. The grass got mowed. Measuring for fencing took place and lots more…
On a bittersweet note. The handicapped ramp came out of the garage. It came in so handy for John, but it was just taking up a lot of space. It’s not needed anymore, but for some reason it was rough that it’s not needed anymore. One of those things that is hard to let go of. Damn emotions.
Joe & Debbie also brought the things of John’s from his locker. I can’t bear to look at them yet. Honestly, I have no idea what John had in his locker. It could be just his bedding, a pair of shoes, and maybe some papers.
I remember when I was in Annapolis months ago- I think that was back when John was undergoing his IL2 treatments. I pro-actively asked Debbie about John’s locker. She said she could get a bolt cutter and we could take care of it if I wanted to. All of the sudden, I just couldn’t. It was like cleaning out his locker would have meant giving up. I wasn’t ready to give up. The logical person in me said to clean out the locker. We knew the odds of him coming back to work were slim. And if we’d gotten our miracle then everything could have just been taken back to work. But now, the contents of his locker are home. Eventually, I’ll look at them and find some place to put them. One day at a time. I still haven’t brought myself to listen to the CD that is in the CD player in the Jeep.
Death just brings on such odd emotions. Grieving is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong. Nathaniel, the horses, the cats are all getting taken care of and I still manage to find times to smile… as well as times to cry.
Today, was also 8 weeks since John passed away. Hard to believe. I’ve had a birthday and we’re about to have our Anniversary. It’s been tough. Do you still have anniversaries after death? Marriage is technically… “till death do us part.” But I still consider John my husband– he was the love of my life. I still wear my ring and I can’t foresee a time when it will come off. But yet on paper my status is “widow.”
I’ve been contemplating what to do for our anniversary. Part of me thinks I should spend the day crying and missing him. Part of me thinks I should celebrate the way that we would have. Well… except for that I don’t know that I can every go out to Outback again… that was “our place” that we enjoyed going to. I also think about what John would want for me. I know he’d want me to be happy and he wouldn’t want me to be sad. So, I think I’ll do my best to remember the good times.