One of those days…

I’m having one of those days.  I’m having one of those weeks.  I didn’t write yesterday because I wasn’t sure how to write something without coming out sounding really, really down and I don’t want to be that way.

I went to Home Depot and got two more ceiling fans.  I had mulled over which ones to get for quite a while.  A few days ago I got two of the Farmington ones (the ones I got have a light also).  This time I decided to go with 2 Glendale ones.  I decided on them because of the brushed nickel finish and we had some other things with burshed nickel.  I hated having to decide myself.  I HATE not having John to ask about things.  I HATE not having my sounding board.  A recent business interaction left a very bitter taste in my mouth and left me wondering if the business was really looking out for my best interests or trying to screw a buck out of a grieving widow.  I don’t know.  I HATE not having my rock.  I HATE being alone.

But, I don’t really have a choice.  Life goes on.

There is so much more things that I HATE… but I also HATE being negative… I HATE– HATING.

So… back to the ceiling fans.  John and I had decided to have ceiling fans a long time ago.  We just never had found ones that we liked.  We’d looked multiple times and just never felt that we found ones that were really us.  We just didn’t care for the color, the style, the finish, or the price.  The ceiling fans were something that we both had really wanted- an ‘US’ thing.  I just feel so empty getting them for me and not ‘US’.   What I wouldn’t give for ‘US’ again.  sigh

So, I’m already feeling glum.  Then Mr. Happy Helpful Older Home Depot Employee comes to see if he can help me out.  He looks at Nathaniel and says what a great smile he has.  He asks how old he is.  He asks if he’s my first.  Then Mr. Happy Helpful Older Home Depot Employee proceeds to tell me that I should consider having another one soon.  He tells me that his daughters are less than 2 years apart and are best friends and even had the same friend circle and went to the same college.

I just smiled.

What else was I to do.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell Mr. Happy Helpful Older Home Depot Employee that there wouldn’t be another child because my dearly beloved husband who meant the world to me was dead.

So, I put on that fake smile, kept myself together and finished shopping.

Then I bawled in the car.

Human nature and society tell us that if you’ve been happily dating for the appropriate length of time and are at an appropriate age then you should get married.  Once you’re married you should have a child.  Once you have one child you should have another.  Meanwhile you happily live with your spouse and 2.1 (or is it 2.2) children in  a nice house with a white picket fence and have a dog- you know the ‘American Dream’.  After you kids are grown they should then  happily date for the appropriate length of time… get married… have one child… have two children… etc.

I always been a fan of creating your own dream and living it (I don’t always know how successful I am at making my dreams come true- John made my dream of owning a farm come true) .  I remember John and I were talking once… way pre-Nathaniel.  John was talking about how he felt it was important to always do better than your parents (I think happiness is more important than financial ladders).  I think we had done what John had said (in comparison to his parents)… we had more land, a bigger house, higher paying salaries.  John had commented in that same conversation that if we ever had a kid he’d feel bad for him/her because he’d have to do REALLY well to surpass us.

My dream obviously didn’t involve losing John.  I don’t know… what happens when dreams are destroyed?  Although not all of my dreams are destroyed… I still have my horse dreams.  I’d love someday for my little Wilson to make it to the show ring and just knock people’s socks off and then when somebody says… tell me more about him, I can just smile and say he’s 1/2 standardbred 1/4 thoroughbred 1/4 Arabian and just look at the total look of disbelief in their faces.  I’d love to get Winston going under saddle.  I just think he’d be one Hell of a ride and I think the sky would be the limit with him.  Perhaps over time my big overall dream will take shape again.  Right now my goal (not my dream) is to be a successful single parent and raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted, thoughtful, caring,  and intelligent little human who turns into a happy, healthy, well-adjusted, thoughtful, caring,  and intelligent adult.  I want to find a way to make everything work.  To have everything that John and I ever wanted together, to continue with what I have, and to not lose anything else.

I’ve always admired pioneer women (and men & families)- my connotation (I find the differences in  connotation vs. denotation and perception vs. reality to be fascinating.)  of them is that they are:  tough, strong, survivors who held together families and worked to make their homesteads successful– they got the job done.  I love the pioneering spirit… I think it is lacking in today’s society.  Where there is a will… there is a way…  in light of my life (John had the will, there just wasn’t a way for him), let me twist it a little bit… Where there is a will there usually is a way.

I just have to muster up the strength to find my will and create my way.