Odd dream

Thankfully, just a dream…

I dream that I’m somewhere with my mother… like a park or camp or somewhere.  I happen to see her walking towards me and she’s smoking a cigarette.  I look at her and glare… speechless.

She looks at me and says, “What, I’m smoking a cigarette.  What, can’t I smoke a cigarette.  It’s not like it’s illegal.  All those free beers and I never drink.”

I just stare at her.  I hate smoking.  I tell people that Nathaniel would have two more grandparents if it weren’t for cigarettes.  John hated smoking too.  He’d even told me on more than one occasion (for whatever reason- I guess he felt strongly about it) that he’d dump me in an instant if I ever smoked (not that I ever would).

Then my mother starts crying.  She says she’s under a lot of stress.

I look at her like she’s insane.

Then she says that she finally got the cancer that Grandma had had and that it doesn’t look good.  My grandmother- well actually both of them- had colon cancer- one survived… one went into remission for years and then it came back and took her life.

I can’t even have a meltdown… I’m just so shocked.  My mother starts to breakdown and says, “I thought you knew.  I thought we told you.”  Then she takes off a wig and is bald.

Then I wake up… and it’s just a dream… Phew!!!!  It was so disturbing that I almost made a phone call to my parents.

And without being a dream expert, I can give a brief analysis.  A lot has been on my mind lately.

A friend of mine is smoking again.  She’d stopped before I went out of work and I was so happy for her.  John was even happy for her.  John was always so supportive whenever anybody would quit smoking.  I said something about her starting again and got told that it wasn’t my place and she was under a lot of stress.  In reality, she’s an adult and it’s none of my business.  On the flip side, she’s a friend and I’d prefer to never in my life see another person come down with cancer as a result of smoking.

Colon cancer does run in my family.  On both sides.  I had a physical and discussed this with my PCP and she suggested I see a specialist in case they decide to do early screening.  That appointment is this week.  I’d much rather go through a little bit of discomfort as prevention than find out too late.

I also have recently been upset about finding out some news via e-mail that should have warranted a phone call.  Luckily, nothing as serious as a parent having cancer.  But in this day and age, IMO too many people don’t use proper etiquette- it is far to easy to slap something on a FB status or in a mass e-mail rather than picking up the phone.  I think that technology has made us less personable people sometimes and that is a shame if you ask me.  There are still somethings that should be said in person.

All I can say is luckily it was just a dream!

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Family, Friends, Life after John's Death, Nathaniel, Pre-stage IV and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Odd dream

  1. Frank Brown says:

    I can assure you that your Mom has not taken up smoking or drinking. To my knowledge she has never smoked a cigarette. She has tasted alchohol but I don’t think she has even drank a whole beer. I haven’t tugged on her hair but I don’t think it is a wig.
    We have both had colonscopies. A polop was found and removed on my first one. Your Mom was polup free on hers.

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