I had a need to listen to two songs at work…
“If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback
“Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow” by WideAwake
I was having a bit of a sad day. Yesterday, I got a letter from Eastport United Methodist Church in Annapolis (AFD’s chaplain, MaAn Barcelo, is the pastor there) letting me know that they are having a memorial service on All Saint’s Day and would like to say John’s name and project a photo of him. The invited Nathaniel and I to attend.
I was honored and saddened at the same time. Another goodbye to a great man… goodbye… Another photo to pick. Have you ever thought… if you were to die what photo you would want to depict your life? If you could only choose one photo… would it be one from your childhood? One with a beloved pet? One with your parents? Your sibling(s)? Your wedding photo? A photo with your kid(s)? A photo with a favorite car? With your house? From a vacation? A work photo? Completing a hobby? How do you condense a whole life into one photo?
Then there was the feeling that since it was in AFD chaplain’s church maybe I should use the official photo from Annapolis Fire Department. At the same time, John was never one who was into formal outfits and ceremonies. The formal photo wasn’t him. He was a firefighter through and through, but the kind who wears turnout gear and does the real work. The kind who loves his job and hopes to be a part of “the big ones.”
So, in the end, I took the easy way out… through tears, I picked some of my favorite photos of John and sent them off in an e-mail with the words: “I’ll let you pick, whichever you choose will be perfect.”
I’m hoping I can find somebody local to drive with me to Annapolis and then I’ll have some moral support, an extra hand for Nathaniel, and a friend to drive with. It’s one of those events that I may get through just fine, or I may become a puddle on the ground. I can try to mentally prepare, but I can’t forecast my emotions.
Overnight at my break, I took my walk in the circle. It was raining, but I needed my quite time alone for thought and reflection. I ended up crying, but that’s fine. I need time to cry and to grieve. I also feel that I need to be able to do most of it away from Nathaniel. It is my silent grief… for me alone. At this point in his life I feel that Nathaniel doesn’t need to know that Mommy isn’t whole and her heart is broken… he’s too young to understand and he doesn’t need worries in his young mind. We’ll make things work… somehow… we have to.
Driving home in the AM, it was still raining… a dreary Tuesday… another week without him… people can keep their “I hate Mondays.” and I’ll stick with “Missing Him Tuesdays.”
Luckily, I was able to chat with two great friends in the early morning hours and I got myself out of my dreary Tuesday funk…
Love always- especially on dreary, drizzly “Missing Him Tuesday.”