The clock

Since the mourning doves are gone, I’ve felt a lot more alone.  I even inquired with my sister, who is very knowledgeable in wildlife.  I asked her if the mourning doves migrated.  She said, “No,”  and paused.  Then she said that it was possible that my mourning doves could have traveled further south, but more northern mourning doves would come to our area.  So, I’ve decided that my mourning doves have gone south for the winter.  I can’t wait till they return.

For the last several days in my conversations to John, I’ve asked him to just give me a sign that he’s still around.  I guess I question what I think I’ve thought was him.

I think I got it.

6:05 AM  I wake up to fuzzy loud voices.  I thought the TV was on.  I haven’t had the TV on in days and in order for it to be turned on the digital box must be turned on, too.

I get myself out of my warm bed and out into the cold room and go downstairs.  It’s not the TV, but the clock radio on the floor by the TV.

I hit the snooze button and it turns off.  I turn on the light and investigate further.  A friend and her two kids were over yesterday and they were playing right by the clock.  I figure that they must have turned on an alarm.

Nope.  The alarm buttons were turned off- not set.

I hit the radio on button and then hit the snooze.  That doesn’t turn off the radio.

But, yet when I hit the snooze a minute ago it had turned off the radio.

The only way that the radio turned off after the radio on button was turned on was by hitting the radio off button… which is not the button that I hit when I came downstairs.  I clearly had hit the snooze button and the alarms were not set.  The time was still set and the battery back up doesn’t work, so there wasn’t a power outage.

Nathaniel was sound asleep, so he hadn’t turned it on.  Winnie was cuddled in bed with me when the radio woke me up.  She didn’t step on it.  The barn cats were outside.

I smiled and said, “Thank you, John.  I love you.  Always.”

I felt a feeling of peace and comfort.

Then I had a slight panic come over me… if John was waking me up at 6AM- was something wrong???  By now dawn was beginning… I spotted 4 horses in the big field and no signs of chaos.  I went and peeked in on Nathaniel- he was sound asleep, butt up in the air (John and I always marveled at how he could sleep like that) and clearly breathing.  I was about ready to crawl back in bed when I thought… I’d better check the garage since the new heater was out there.  Everything was fine.

Phew… John must have just wanted to get his point across.  I could picture him saying, “Look Mary, I untied your shoe strings, I played with your computer at work… DO YOU NOT SEE IT????  What do I have to do– wake you up at 6AM, so you’ll get it?”

“Yes, John, I get it.  Love you… forever and ever, always…”

I smiled and crawled back into bed.


About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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