Forever 35

Today, would have been John’s 36th birthday, but instead he’ll forever remain 35.

I don’t quite know what I have planned for the day.  I plan to get some yellow roses to take to the cemetery.  It may seem silly, but I picked out a birthday card for John.  Nathaniel was eying the balloons in Martin’s, so maybe we’ll get a balloon, too.

I took the day off of work… actually the week off of work… I can’t anticipate my emotions for the day, so I think I’d be better off not working.  Wed is Veteran’s day and I’m off, so I figured… why not take off Tuesday and Thursday as well and call it a week…

In some ways it seems odd to be “celebrating” a birthday for my dead husband.  In other ways, it seems like something that I need to do make me feel good.  I also want Nathaniel to remember John’s special day.

On Ann’s (John’s mother) birthday, I always go purchase spring flowers.  It is April 14th, so sometimes it is a little too early to plant them, but it’s become my tradition to select one or a few on her birthday.

I hope I can come up with a tradition for John’s birthday.  I think it will help to bring me peace, but I also think it will be great for Nathaniel.  I’m just not sure what to do, yet.  We’ll see what strikes me- in the daylight..

We usually didn’t do much for our birthday’s- I’d usually get him a card and usually some sort of a gift- but sometimes just a card.  Usually, we’d go out to dinner- Outback was usually the choice.

I think last year I got him a Homedics Sound Spa Clock.  When Nathaniel was a newborn, he slept in the pack and play in our room (it had a bassinet attachment).  His pack and play had a sound machine that attached to it.  John got used to listening to the white noise- birds, crickets, frogs, etc.

When Nathaniel moved into the crib in his room, John missed the white noise.  He told me he even had trouble falling asleep.  Sometimes, if he was sleeping when Nathaniel wasn’t, he’d bring the sound machine to our room.  So, I thought the clock would be perfect for him.

It was actually a gift that John appreciated and used.  Usually, he didn’t seem to appreciate my gifts much.

Funny thing was, it drove me crazy.  I’d lay their awake listening to it repeat it’s loop.  I didn’t like any of the sound choices.  I tried to get used to them, but it didn’t work.

I never told John that I didn’t like hearing it.  I knew he liked it, so I dealt with it.  I can tell you that the outdoor temperature comes in quite handy, but I don’t think I’ll ever listen to the sound spa part.

Of course… what I wouldn’t give now to have John alive and well, back in our bed with that annoying white noise playing…

“Happy Birthday, John… Love Always…”

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Life after John's Death, Nathaniel, Pre-stage IV and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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