Happy and sad at the same time….

I love those moments where Nathaniel does something that makes me smile and/or makes me proud.  But at the same time, I often find myself fighting back tears because John wasn’t here to witness the moment and share it with me.

Today, I gave kiddo an assortment of cheerios, puffs, and  crunchies and a sippy cup of milk while I fed the horses.  It was raining and chilly, so, he sat in the Jeep while I fed.  Then afterward we went inside and I gave him some more cheerios.

I put them in a bowl and put it on the floor so he could sit and munch.  I notice that he’s moved the bowl of cheerios to the chair.  This happens to be perfect standing table height for him.

Then he disappears for a moment and comes back with his toy fork.  He proceeds to do his best to eat using his baby fork.  He lucks out and spears a few cheerios that then make it to his mouth!  My little boy is growing up!!!!  I smiled and fought back tears… it was a moment that John would have enjoyed more than I did.  I can just see how proud he’d be and how we’d look at each other and smile.  It made me want to cry that he wasn’t here.

Maybe John has the best seat in the house and gets to see all of Nathaniel’s special moments.  I don’t know.

But I do know… he’s not here to share them with me.  So, I bite my lip, think of John and smile to Nathaniel and clap and congratulate him.  I don’t know if they’ll ever not be those moments that intertwine happiness and sadness.

Miss you, John.  Love you always.  You’d be so proud of your son.

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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