I had a thought earlier today.  Being alone again… there’s nobody to tell me, “Mary, that’s a dumb idea.”  Not that John ever quite said it that way or ever treated me like that– I’m a little more blunt.

But at the same time there’s nobody to tell me “Mary, that’s a dumb idea.”

With John it was more the gentle reminders that I needed to get some sleep.  Or “did you feed the horses yet?” (which by the way, I haven’t yet).   Or “we need to remember to…”  Or the “what do you think about…” Or “don’t forget to…”

Confiding in a soul-mate and sharing a partnership together are some of the things I miss the most.  I miss them everyday, but I miss them most when it comes to matters of Nathaniel.  I don’t want to be the person that decides if it is safe for him to get vaccinated for H1N1 of if it is dangerous for him not to get it.  (He has gotten his first shot and is scheduled for dose number two.)   I want to be one of two parents who decides together how to best raise their child.  You know the way it ideally is… in a perfect world.  But, in a perfect world your beloved spouse doesn’t die of cancer at 35…

Everything is now my decision to make- for wrong of for right.  In a way it’s nice to know that there won’t be any conflict in parental matters- it’s my way or the highway.  (Practicing for the teenage years.)  I can do things that I want to do- if I want to go take Nathaniel somewhere, I just do it.  No, “not now… maybe later”… “I’m tired…”  or “I don’t feel like it,”  or “why don’t you just go (aka I’m not interested and don’t want to join you).”  I’m tired of learning things the hard way.  Hoping I’ll be making more right decisions, but I’m fully aware that I’ll make wrong ones too.

All that being said, I think I’m doing mostly okay on my own.  I ask for opinions when I need them and make my own decisions.  I’m pretty good at researching and collecting data.  I’m an adult and quite capable of making my own decisions.  I just wish John was still here to help me make up my mind.

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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1 Response to Nobody

  1. Kari P says:

    You are doing a WONDERFUL!!! And you are a GREAT mother!!

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