Irony or not

AT 5:30 AM I was awakened by Nathaniel screaming.  Once I roused myself out of bed, I went and picked him up.  He was still crying and wouldn’t settle.  I tried everything I could think of to no avail.

John had  a cute checklist  song that I wish I could remember it went something like…

A-“A” Boy what’s your problem

B- Bottle

C D – Change Diaper

or it may have been…

A-“A” Boy what’s your problem

B- Burp

C – Change diaper

D- Drink bottle

It’s one of those things I just can’t quite remember anymore… but it was so cute.  John had came up with it and I loved to hear him sing it… it took so much stress out of a screaming baby in the middle of the night.  And it was just hard to be frustrated when you were smiling at your husband.

But this AM, I really wished I had another set of brains to figure out what was bothering kiddo.  He has a molar coming in, so that could have been it.  Maybe he had a bad dream.  I don’t know.

Finally, after a diaper change, some holding, some patting his back, some talking to, offering him a bottle, and applying oragel.  I stood in his room holding him and I talked to John and asked him to help his boy or to let me know what was wrong.  I asked him to chase away any bad dreams and to keep Nathaniel safe and watch over him.  I then said a little prayer as well.

Nathaniel cried himself to sleep.  He didn’t cry too long, but it was torturous for me to listen to.

I found myself laying in bed, staring into the dark, feeling helpless.  What kind of a mother was I if I couldn’t soothe my own child?  I know, it probably happens to all mothers, but I was tired and frustrated.  Before I knew it, I was laying there crying and I started talking to John.  I told him how sorry I was that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Nathaniel.  And how terrible I felt.  And how I wished he was here to help because he was just so much better at figuring Nathaniel out.  I asked him to help me if he could- either comfort Nathaniel or smack me upside the head and clue me in on what the problem was.

Well today, I drive to Brookview and get out of the car.  After my short visit at John’s grave,  I get back in and start the car the lyric  “No more tears.” comes in over the radio.  That exact verse was the first thing I heard.

Here’s the song if you don’t know it… and I’ve never watched the video (just searched it to get the song), so I have no idea what is in it… consider yourself possibly warned…

I don’t know… it could just be irony.  But the first thing I thought about was how many tears I’d shed early this AM in trying to pacify Nathaniel.  Maybe it was John’s way of telling me that I’m doing okay and not to be so hard on myself.  I don’t know…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Life after John's Death, Nathaniel, Pre-stage IV and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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