The Sunday after John passed away, my friend invited me to attend his church service.  I’ve pretty much been going to Bethel Lutheran every Sunday, except for missing a few for the Philly LiveStrong Challenge, Miles for Melanoma 5K, Melanoma Messenger training, and a Ravens game…  you know… pretty important stuff…  I really hadn’t attended church frequently before… rather infrequently would be more precise.

Sometimes, I wonder what John would think.  But I think John would be happy with whatever helps to bring me a little bit of peace in this crazy world and in my sad situation.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand why John isn’t here with Nathaniel and me.  Or why there are abusive fathers, murders, and rapists who live long healthy lives, while my dear husband who was a WONDERFUL father is gone.  But I’ve come to understand that there are some things that just don’t need to be understood.  It’s happened… it’s over with.. it’s done… life goes on… no use making myself crazy or bitter or angry over what I have no control over and can’t change.

Every time, I go to church, I’ve taken something away that Pastor Mark has said.  In fact, there are a few sermons that seem like they were written for me.

On Sunday, one of the things discussed was “today.”  People are always saying… “I plan to…” “I will…” “In the future…” “Within the next 5 years…”  He said it’s easy to do that because people rarely truly commit to their plans.  It’s easy to push it back or file it in the “not so important bin.”  He said it is more important to do things now– to do them today.

It really hit home to me… I’ve been saying to myself… things like… “I hope to ride more…”  “I need to eat better.”  “I need to start exercising.”  etc, etc, & so forth…

I reflected on my marriage.  John had one place where he wanted to go… Hawaii.  Now did John on his deathbed think– jeez– I never made it to Hawaii.  I doubt it.  But fact of the matter is he never got to go.  We would have had such a fun time.  Had we really focused on going years ago… we could have gone… but it was always easier to say… sometime… and sometime never happened…

John had other goals too… he wanted to get a 4 year degree in Fire Science.  He wanted to make Lieutenant at work in 2009.  He wanted to eventually work in the fire investigators office– many years down the road.  He wanted to teach more fire classes.  He wanted to raise his son.  He wanted to ride his bike more.  He wanted to do more for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

In his 35 years, John had reached many goals, don’t get me wrong, but for some reason, I’ve been thinking about what he didn’t achieve lately.

Sure, you can’t exactly make all of your goals and dreams happen all at once or right now.  But… if you really want something start it… use the self discipline and make it work… none of us know how much time we have.

So… I’ve been eating salads since Sunday… grant it… it’s only Tuesday, but it’s a start…

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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