Christmas Eve

What does Christmas Eve mean to most… time with family, awaiting Santa’s arrival, attending holiday Church services?  Fun.  Excitement.  Magic.  Love.  Joy.

That’s what Christmas Eve is supposed to be, right?

This Christmas I feel like I’m just going through the motions for kiddo.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had fun moments, but so often, I can’t help but miss John.

Moments llike watching as Nathaniel is mesmorized by the train display. It was priceless watching him smile and giggle whent the train went by. At the same time I felt empty, not having John to share in the moment with me.

Other moments that were hard were decorating the Christmas tree… Nathaniel’s first time going to a barber… driving through Herr’s to see the Christmas lights… and so many more small moments of each and every day.

John should be there with us… the three of us… and John and I should steal a glance away from Nathaniel and just smile at each other and share that special moment delighting in our son– together.

For me, Christmas Eve will involve coveralls; wading through snow;  and putting two Christmas trees on two graves.  Hoping the trees will stay put.  I’ve never had to do it before by myself.  I’m still not sure how I’m going to manage to accomplish this with kiddo.  Maybe I’ll bring him out of the car.  Maybe I’ll leave him in the car- in which case, maybe he’ll be interested and watch.  Maybe he’ll be bored and cry or scream.  Who knows.  I’m not looking forward to it.  I know it will be rough.

After John’s father passed away, his mother and John (and I assume his half brother) put a Christmas trees on Dave’s grave.  John said they were the first people at Brookview to do it.  Now there are lots of trees.  When I started dating John, I took part as well.  Before Ann passed away, she asked us to always make sure the tree got put up.  Now it’s down to me.

Life’s just not fair sometimes.

Christmas Eve also consisted of going to visit John’s father’s side of the family.  I plan to continue that for kiddo.  I know it’s going to be hard emotionally.

This year, kiddo and I are planning to go to the barn service put on by Bethel Lutheran.  I’ve heard that it is a great service and lots of fun.

I just want 2009 to be over with.  I want Christmas to be over with.  I want it to be the new year.  I want to put the worst year of my life behind me.  I keep saying that 2010 has to be a better year, but honestly, I’ll believe it when I see it.

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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1 Response to Christmas Eve

  1. Angela says:

    Mary~I cannot even fathom what emotional roller coaster you are on right now, but know that we are all praying for you, John and Nathaniel constantly! You’ve made it through another ‘first,’ and come out stronger. Love and hugs to you all,

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