I wanted a great way to kick 2009 out the door… 2009 has been the worst year of my life…
In all fairness, the first month and a half were great. John & I were new parents. Nathaniel was an amazing child and we loved watching him change and develop and just enjoyed being a happy family. There were lots of group hugs. John and I were so in love. Everything was just right with our happy family. Life was good… really, really good.
Then, February 21st he found a lump on his neck. Shortly thereafter the PET scan revealed stage IV melanoma- multiple tumors in bad places. We fought with everything we could… John fought so very hard… he just wanted to be around for his son… he loved Nathaniel so much and was a perfect parent. Everywhere we turned, we just seemed to get a bad break. But John fought so hard and never gave up and had such a good attitude. We knew the odds were bad… we knew things weren’t good. We were holding out for our miracle. It never came and then on July 21st, my life was turned completely upside down when I lost John.
2009 did its best to destroy me. It took away the love of my life. It took away my husband. It took away a father. It took away a damn good firefighter. It took away a family member. It took away a friend. It left me alone. It left me a single parent. It left me financially concerned. It took away my rock.
I wanted a fitting way to abolish 2009– to crush it. I wanted to show that I’m not destroyed… injured… sad… alone… tired… stressed… but not destroyed!!! Life goes on. I will survive.
I had some discussions with friends and put my brain to work to come up with a fitting ass kicking. I had a few criteria… no alcohol… and it couldn’t scare the horses….
I also felt it was good to show that I want 2010 to be a better year. I’m not just angry and bitter at 2009. I’m looking towards a brighter future.
I actually had two events for New Year’s Eve. Nathaniel & I went over to a friend’s house for dinner. We had party hats and noise makers and let the kids have fun. We had a blast… it was fun.
Then for phase 2, another good friend came over to help me with the kicking out. We decided on sparkling grape juice and cheesecake to celebrate. And a sign to burn to be rid of 2009.
I chose 3 items of 2009 that I wished to have eliminated… Cancer, Melanoma, & John’s death.
I then chose 3 things that I want to look forward/ work on/ improve for 2010. That was a little challenging. I’d love to have peace and acceptance in my life and to no longer grieve, but I don’t know that I’ll ever completely achieve that and I know it will take longer than a year. John was a tremendous man who I loved very deeply and there is a huge hole in my heart… it will take a long time… if ever to fill it. I didn’t want to be unrealistic. So, I chose, health/ fitness; balance; and simplicity. Basically, I want to get my life more under control, decrease my stress, and increase my happiness. I want to enjoy the important life moments and simple pleasures. I want to have the happiness that I had with John to come back even though he’s not with us. I want to be in control of my life rather than have my life control me.
And proceeded to light the sign on fire.
Finally we got it going…
We marveled at how it burned upwards and then fizzled. I said, John would know why.
It was very therapeutic… I felt empowered and in control…
Goodbye, 2009– Good Riddance!!!