Have you ever wondered…

Having lost my husband and dealt with his death, sometimes I think of odd things.  I used to have John to take care of me… to take care of things.  If there ever would have been an emergency or mishap or if I would have died, he’d know Nathaniel’s routine and to feed the horses and cats and where their food is.

Now, I don’t have anybody to take care of me anymore.  My mind sometimes thinks of very strange things.

Like, if I’d die, what would people think when they went through my stuff.  I have a hard enough time finding John’s things and I thought I knew where they should be.  On top of that, John was much more organized than I am.  I have yet to find our marriage license.  Luckily, I do know where it is on the computer and if I ever need it, I can purchase a copy from the courthouse.  Just today, almost six months after his death, I located our mortgage paperwork.

It makes me want to become organized… not because I’m planning on going anywhere… just because I wouldn’t want to overhear that conversation and I would want my friends and family to curse at me.

Shortly after John got his stage IV diagnosis, he made a list that he titled “Insurance & Financial” and left it on the desktop.  I hated seeing it every time I got on the computer.  Hated it… hated it… hated it… To me it signaled that he knew he was well aware of his condition… it was an admittance that he thought he might not win the battle… and that he was aware of his mortality.

I wanted John to live, to make it, to beat it, for us to have our miracle… I wanted my world to work out perfectly… for my life to remain awesome.  I didn’t want to consider the possibility of defeat and I never, ever, ever wanted to give up or to lose John.  Like a Thoroughbred with a blinker hood… I was looking forward and headed in one direction full speed ahead…  I’d grabbed the bit in my mouth and there was no stopping me (unless John had ever said “whoa”) there was no other option.  It wasn’t till things got really bad that I spent too much time entertaining the alternative.  I hope my choice was right, but John and I were on the same page and we gave it all we had.  John died fighting and sometimes that happens to the best soldiers.

After John died, I really appreciated the document.  Many things (although not everything) were right there in one handy file and if I misplaced it, I could simply print another one.

In a way, the document was just like John… prepared…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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