Fears

It’s funny how your fears change.  When John first got his cancer diagnosis, my worst fear was losing him.  Well, my worst fear happened.

I used to be afraid of dying.  The day I held John’s hand as he died, I was no longer afraid of dying.

One of my new fears is getting sick and not being able to take care of my son,  the horses, or myself.  John was always my rock and the person I could count on to take care of things.  He was always there when I needed him.  Now I don’t have a rock.  I don’t have somebody who is always here for me.  It’s me.

Well, you guessed it…

Sunday, I have the alarm set for 8:30 to give me plenty of time to get the horses fed, get a shower, and have kiddo up and ready to go to church.  Well… I tried to get out of bed for 2 hours and just couldn’t move.  I had chills and felt completely worn out.  Finally, after listening to Nathaniel cry and realizing that there was no way I could physically care for my child, I called a friend and luckily, she came right over and got him.

My fever wouldn’t break with tylenol and was ranging from 102.6 F to 103.7 F.  I was to the point where I felt disoriented and when I finally got out of bed was dizzy and lightheaded.  Not fun.  I laid in bed all day and the fever wouldn’t break.  I talked to a few friends on the phone and made a bunch of calls trying to get kiddo watching and horse feeding lined up.  I could barely get that taken care of I was so out of it.

Several people suggested that I go to the ER– figures it is a Sunday night before I consider going anywhere.  It has been my experience that horses, cats, and humans have a tendency to get sick after hours and on the weekends.  My symptoms were semi flu-like, but not completely conclusive.  I was also concerned… what if I had an infection or something going on and it was more serious than the flu?  John’s quote of, “I feel like crap.” stuck with me… that’s how I felt.

Finally, a friend convinced me to go.  She said she’d come take me.  I couldn’t barely stand or walk, much less drive.  I couldn’t get myself up and dressed before she got there… she told me to just throw on slippers and go.  So, I did…

After being in the ER for hours the doctor concluded that I had the flu and told me to drink fluids and to take tylenol and ibuprofen to try to get the fever to break.

I feel kind of silly for going to the ER for the flu, but at the same time, I have a good friend who’s healthy step-child died of the flu, so it’s not something to be taken lightly.  My symptoms were also not exactly conclusive either and I was really worried about my fever being so high.

By the time we got back from the ER, my parents had arrived.  When Dad looked at my disheveled, greasy hair and blue pajamas with big polka dots on them, he asked me if we had stopped at Walmart, he thought I could have gotten on the People of Walmart.  It’s a bit of a joke- I had a Face book status where I said, “My goal in life is to never end up on the People of Walmart.”  Thanks, Dad.  I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t have a “People of Union Hospital blog.”

My parents have been watching kiddo and feeding the horses.  I’m still running a fever and still feel worn out and dizzy, but at least today, I feel semi-human.  I haven’t left the house today.  I feel a little bad about not being able to make it to the cemetery yesterday or today, but I think John would understand.

And getting sick and not being able to take care of my kid, my horses, & myself is still a big fear.  The experience didn’t overcome it, but thankfully I do have friends and parents who were able to come to my rescue.

Advertisements

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Cats, Friends, Horses, Life after John's Death, Nathaniel and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s