Feeling slightly more human

I finally made it to Brookview today after a two day hiatus.  I think John would understand… I was sick… and not just a little sick, but I-can’t-take-care-of-my-son-sick.

My father drove, I don’t think my parents trusted me to drive, which all in all may not have been a bad idea, since my walking still isn’t 100%.

Let’s just say that feeding the horses Tuesday AM was, um, interesting, Wilson tossed his head as I was putting on his grain bag and it was all I could do to keep my balance and not fall.  I ended up grabbing his neck and holding on till I caught my breath and was no longer lightheaded.  Fun times.

I requested that we stop at Brookview prior to going to my doctor’s appointment.  On the way there, rain was falling.  Rainy gray days have a new symbolism to me… they used to just be rainy gray days… now they remind me of tears falling from Heaven.  When we reached Brookview, I got out of the truck and Dad turned it around… the rain changed to snow as I stood by John’s grave.  I smiled.  John loved the snow.

A few minutes later after we left the cemetery, the snow turned back to rain.

Then over the radio, they introduced a song that Toby Keith had written for a friend, Wayman Tisdale, whom he lost to cancer.  I used to listen to country music primarily, but over the last few years I’m more of a 98 Rock type of gal– mostly due to John’s influence.  Although, my YouTube playlist is quite eclectic- with everything from 80s music, country, bluegrass, 98 Rock playlist type music, and even a dash of Celtic thrown in just for fun.

Since, John’s death, I find it very difficult to listen to country stations for any length of time… the sadness so often found in the music is too much for me emotionally to handle.

I’ve always liked Toby Keith and have seen him in concert two or three times when I was in college in Iowa.  The song brought tears to my eyes.

And yes, I’m still crying, everyday…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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