Mourning dove sighting…

I went alone to my friend’s husband’s funeral.  I’ve told myself that I have to get used to doing things alone and going places alone (or alone in the sense of being the only adult).  I’m also uncomfortable doing a lot of things alone, especially driving places that I don’t know.

Back when I was in college, I was going to visit a friend.  I’d been there alone, but never driven by myself.  I got lost and ended up rolling my car on a gravel road (that unbeknown to me had recently been graded).  The trip ended with a visit to the E.R. and stitches in my head.  The doctor told me that one spot resembled the letter “M.”  My comment was let’s not add a “K” & a “B” (maiden name)… yes, I was a smart ass back then too… but just a budding one… John taught me to be a master…   The accident left me with a huge fear of:  1.  driving on gravel roads, 2. driving on surfaces that felt like gravel roads (aka grooved pavement), and 3. going places I hadn’t been alone.

Well, we don’t have many gravel roads around here and they don’t have 50 mph speed limits, so that one is erased.

It took me 9 years to get past number 2.  You may have heard the story from John when I freaked out on 95 and he was driving behind me and almost rear-ended me… oops… A few years ago, I was driving into work over grooved pavement and all of the sudden realized that I wasn’t sweating, hitting the breaks, getting anxious, and gripping the steering wheel like I was going to die.  As soon as I realized it, I started grinning like the Cheshire cat… healed… recovered… it felt great to be rid of one demon…

Two out of three, isn’t bad, right?  I used to just flat out avoid going places I didn’t know unless somebody was there to go with me.  I’d take John or somebody else or I wouldn’t go.  I’ve gotten a little better, but I still get nervous and anxious… GPS or no GPS. And I still turn down a lot of invites.  I told somebody, poor Nathaniel, not only does he have no daddy, but he has a mommy who probably won’t take him anywhere fun, either.  Sometimes life just isn’t fair… poor kid.

Anyway, as I was leaving to head to the funeral by myself, in a church I didn’t know that was  in an area I didn’t know, I took a deep breath and headed out.  I got to the end of the lane and looked and there were three mourning doves in the vineyard.

I haven’t seen mourning doves for months and I miss them.  It was a very comforting sight.  I smiled and thought of John.

It also reminded me of heading to Larry McMichael’s funeral.  I drove myself and was having a really rough time in the funeral procession.  The funeral was in Rising Sun and he was buried in Oxford, PA.  I hate driving in a funeral procession… stop… go… stay close… go CAREFULLY through red lights and stop signs… don’t loose the person in front of you… don’t run into the person in front of you… don’t get too far behind… Errr!!!!  Can you say, stressful driving!!!  Anyway, I was fighting back tears on that day and I glanced to the side of the road, and there was a mourning dove… I smiled and told John, “Thank you!”

So, I don’t know if the mourning dove sighting on Saturday was a sign that spring is coming and they have returned… or if it was just what I needed on that day… to get me through the day…

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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