Father’s Day 2010

It’s been a while since I last posted.  When there is a lapse in posting it pretty much either means…

  • Everything is going great and I don’t feel a need to post
  • I’m super busy
  • I’m so busy I can’t think straight
  • I’m so exhausted that sleep is more important
  • I need some time to ponder before I write
  • I don’t want to write something I’ll later regret
  • I don’t know how to say what I want to without potentially burning bridges

I think that pretty much covers it… and usually it’s not the first one…

Anyway… that being said, I think I owe a Father’s Day update…

Father’s Day actually worked out to be a good day overall… there were some tears on my part, but I don’t think anybody in my shoes would have any less than a few tears.

The day before Father’s Day, we made a stepping stone to take to the cemetery for John

Nathaniel and the stepping stone

Nathaniel inspecting the stone

Here is the stone, still wet... Nathaniel's handprint is inside of mine

The glass beads and “stones” are from the tank of our last beta that John and I had several years ago.  John named him Luther van der Fish when I remarked at how happy he was to be released from the confines of his tiny dish into our larger aquarium.  For some dorky reason, the fish swimming so happily reminded me of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech.  As if the fish had one day dreamed of swimming freely without the confines of the tiny glass.  John and I both loved that fish.  Those of you who have betas probably understand that, yes, you can love a fish.  We gave him a much better life than he ever would have had and his free spiritedness gave us joy.

Luther van der Fish is long since gone.  John has been gone almost a year.  Maybe in Heaven they met… who knows…

Father’s Day started with “Beach Church”… technically called Waterside Worship.  Pastor Mark, as always, held a great service and it was nice to be outside enjoying the surroundings… the waterbirds… the people on the water… and the peacefulness of the setting…

"Beach Church" with Pastor Mark

After breakfast with friends, we went to the cemetery.  Nathaniel was amazing… he captured my heart and it broke once again… it was as if, he understood exactly what we were doing.  Often I think that Nathaniel is wise beyond his years.  He understands more than I think he should at his age.  I often hope that my grief doesn’t ruin or take away his childhood.  I try to keep my tears, fears, and worries away from him, but I don’t know how successful I am.

When we got to the cemetery, I got Nathaniel out of the car.  Usually, I leave him in the car.  He inspected the stone.

Inspecting the stone

I asked him to pick it up and take it over to Daddy’s grave.

It was like he knew.

He even took it to the right grave. Then his inspected it further.

By this time, my tears were flowing.  He reminded me so much of his father.  John always knew what the appropriate things to do were and he made sure that things were done correctly.

I let Nathaniel have his time and didn't rush him. He was so solemn, it was like he understood.

Then he even adjusted the LiveStrong band. Everytime I go to John's grave, I touch the LiveStrong band and adjust it.

After the cemetery, we went to the Conowingo Dam for a bike ride.  I thought, if John was here, what would he want to do with his son.  He’d want to take him on a bike ride… so that’s what we did.

Getting ready to head out

At the end of the trail

The boardwalk... on the way home, I did my best Lance Armstrong impersonation... kiddo had a blast... laughing and giggling.

I don't know what kiddo's views were like... but mine were awesome. I love waterbirds!

During the day, we also read the book that I made for Nathaniel about him and his daddy (I had a link to it in a previous post.)

Overall, I was very pleased with how the day went.  I had been dreading it for months… but I think I successfully shared the day with kiddo and did something special for him and we did some special things to remember a very special man.  I think John would have been proud of us.

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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