You know you’re tired when…

you feed the dog hay.

Yes, you read that correctly… I fed hay to the dog.

Levi in all his goofy lab glory was launching himself in the air excited and overcome with happiness that he now had a new toy! Lord only knows how exactly an overgrown lab is going to play with three flakes of hay, but Levi was bound and determined that he’d find a way.

Winston was staring at me with a very puzzled look on his face.  If he could have talked he would have said, “Mom, you just gave MY hay to the DOG!  Are you okay?  Have you finally lost it?  That was MY hay!”

I recovered the flakes before they had been de-flaked by the dog.  And transferred them to the rightful recipient.

Problem solved.

Then a few moments later, I almost gave the dog chow to the horse.

Luckily, I DID remember to turn off the hose… I’ve already forgotten that one recently…

I think my bed is calling me… feed the kiddo… change the kiddo… apply dry clothes (he was enjoying his water table)… and then B- E- D!!!!

I can only imagine the look on John’s face… the shaking of his head… as if to say, “Lord, how did I get this one?”

Of course, if John was here… I have no doubts that I would be getting more sleep for assorted reasons…

– He was good at reminding me to go to sleep…  The gentle non nagging way that he’d say, “Do you know what time it is?  You need to get some sleep.”

– He watched kiddo so that I could sleep… He’d take him downstairs and usually, I’d never even hear a peep.  Some days, he’d apologize and say, “I’m sorry if we woke up up,” and 9 times out of 10, I’d never even heard kiddo make a peep.

– I wouldn’t be laying awake missing him…

– I wouldn’t have to worry about the future… mostly financial… how can I stretch money… how can I make this work… how can can I afford all of this…   am I doing enough for kiddo… will I be able to send him to college… and striving to find that balance of stretching money, but still living comfortably and not depriving kiddo…

– I wouldn’t need to sleep with my cell phone by the bed to make sure I got up (and then get woken up when somebody called it while I was trying to sleep)  Cell alarm doubles as the “GET YOUR @## up NOW!!!” alarm.  John used to be my backup on those rare instances where I slept through my alarm.

-I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to figure everything out on my own… what do do about this and that… how to fix the fence… what kind of new fence to get… where to put the new run in… configuration of the run in… how do I handle temper tantrums… is my kid going to be scarred for life… when will the temper tantrums stop… which will happen first- loss of my sanity or temper tantrum cessation… what does he want…  is that bite getting worse or better…  will I have to call the doctor…  why is the Jeep squeaking… and a million other things…

They say it gets easier… maybe someday that will hold true… but my bed is calling me… sleep… gentle, restful, peaceful sleep… un-interrupted sleep…  I hope…

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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