Dream about John and Squall

I’ve only dreamed about John one other time after he passed away.  It was maybe the second or third day after he died.  He was in my dreams healthy and everything was okay.  Then I’d wake up and be alone in bed and know he was gone.  Then I’d fall back asleep and he’d come back and be fine.  And this repeated countless times throughout the night.

Last night the dream was odd.  I can’t put it all together to make sense.  John and I were in the woods.  He was healthy and well and in great shape.  There was some sort of trail run going on and everybody turned away from a creek crossing.  Although I don’t remember that he spoke, he somehow conveyed what wimps they were and left me to go through the creek crossing.

The next thing I remember was that John emerged after the creek crossing riding Squall.  John looked damn good on Squall… sitting tall… and looking like a natural in the saddle… and handsome as ever.  Squall was young, fit, muscular and in perfect weight, and her bay coat was gleaming against the changing leaves of Fall.  Both were the picture of health… gorgeous, fit, and strong.

Now… those of you who knew John, knew this obviously was a dream.  John had zero interest in riding… and I could never get him to ride a horse.  People were always asking him if he rode because they figured with me being so into the horses that he must ride.  John’s answer was always, “I ride fire trucks.”

Me being the smart ass that I am threatened to name a horse “Fire Truck.”  It would have been worth blowing a bad name on a horse just to have him have to ride it!  After all, I already have Light My Redford… Fire Truck wouldn’t be a worse name than that… lol… Actually I’ve thought that I kind of like Pierce.   To correlate… some people are Chevy people… some people are Ford people… well in regards to firetrucks John was a Pierce person- through and through…

Some people say that dreams mean things… others say they’re caused by eating something strange before bed… sometimes they relate to your life…. sometimes they seem to make no sense.

I have a friend who has been running on trails… so maybe that is where that came from…

I went to watch a show at Fair Hill yesterday and thought maybe while we were there I could take kiddo on a walk in the woods… so maybe that explains it….

Kiddo sat on a pony yesterday for the longest time with the hugest smile on his face…  that probably fits into the dream… virtually every horse crazy girl dreams of finding a man who rides horses too… problem is the ratio and so many of the men who ride english are not of the heterosexual variety… so male equestrians of the hetersexual persuasion pretty much have their pick of any beautiful, skinny, rich equestrian they’d want,  so the odds of this happening to somebody like me who is neither beautiful, skinny, nor rich are well… about zero.  Some ladies luck out and start with non-horsey guys who decide to take up their hobby, too, as a way to spend time together.  John had no interest in that… he was great at helping… but he wasn’t even the type to walk up the fence or say “Hi!” to them when he got home.

Obviously, I’m not looking for another significant other… don’t foresee that one happening.  But, it would be beyond awesome for me if kiddo would take up riding as a hobby as well.  He loves the horses, but usually has very little interest in riding.  He pets, he feeds, but they’re big and sort of intimidating to sit on in his opinion.  And lets face it, about the only way I’m going to get time to really ride again is if he decides to join me… not now but later… years from now.  I won’t force it on him, but I will encourage.  If he chooses not to ride then that will be fine, but I probably will have not have much of an opportunity to ride if that is the case.  I so much would like to ride again and miss it so much…  Anyway, I’m pretty sure that is the reason that John was riding… because I hope that kiddo will ride.

I also wish I could know for sure that John and Squall are okay… I’m one of those “see it with your own eyes sort of people.”  I definitely feel that they are okay, but maybe I needed a visual image…  who knows.

All I know is that I didn’t want to wake up from the dream and I wanted it go go on and on…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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