“I guess I’m not very good at giving up”

I had 3 people at the gym today tell me what progress I was making and what a good job I was doing sticking with the class.

I said, I was doing the best I could.  It’s challenging, but what is life if not challenging and pretty much everything in my life is challenging, so why not!

One lady who is old enough to be my mother and can get on the treadmill and run 1 1/2 miles like it’s nothing, said she admired me for sticking with it.  She doesn’t do the classes.

Besides me, the rest of the classes are very in shape men, who all play sports and most are runners.  Me… umm… out of shape… very overweight… and to top it off not athletically talented.  Once an overweight man who has been working out regularly tried a morning class and he hasn’t been back to class since.  The classes are good workouts for the fit men and well, let’s just say I come out of them wet enough to not need to wet down to shower and wash my hair.

Well, after she told me that she admired me for sticking with it, I recalled the last class on Thursday.  I’d made negative progress, was worn out after the warm up and barely made it through.  I left the gym wanting to cry and so much just wanted a hug from John and him to tell me that everybody has a bad day.

But, I came back.

I replied, “I guess I’m not very good at giving up.”

Of course after that, I thought of John and how not only he fought so hard, but I fought so hard with him and for him and advocated for him.  I thought of my speech to Dr. S. at Hopkins where I stood up for John when John was too weak to express himself.  I thought of all of the people who have said, silently, or out loud… “you can’t do this.”  I haven’t always been a success, but I’ve given it my best.

Yeah, I guess I’m not very good at giving up…

Advertisements

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
This entry was posted in Life after John's Death, Stage IV and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s