“Right Now”

A lot of changes have happened recently.  I’ve changed my schedule, my job role will be changing… it’s a big step.  Because of my schedule change I lose lose money on shift differential and my child care costs have increased since I now work five instead of four days.  It was a change I opted for to save my sanity, gain more sleep and to be a better mother, but it’s a scary change.

On top of that I’ve recently shelled out a large amount of money to finally get the property fenced- it’s a plan John and I had had for years.  We’d taken out a loan before he was stage IV.  Fence took a back seat…  I sat on the money for over a year… afraid to touch it… to spend it… Then tape fence was having major issues and the corral panels started failing.  Loose horses aren’t good.  So, I finally decided to take the plunge.  It is wonderful to see my horses enjoying themselves in larger fields and eating grass, but I still worry.

John used to tell me not to worry… to relax… that it would be okay… he’d tell me that I worry too much.  He was right then… but he’s not here to tell me that anymore… and yeah, I’m okay for now… but where am I in 10 years?  In 15?  In 30?  It’s like I’m sitting in the front row of a movie theater looking up at the screen… I can only see one tiny part and not the whole picture.  It could be a comedy… a tragedy… a horror movie… but I couldn’t tell you…

Of course all of this brings me to the perfect storm for major stress.  I’m loving my new schedule… I actually get more than four hours of sleep and am not totally exhausted… I have daylight hours to spend with my child, we can still go to our Toddler Time at the library or fit in early appointments and I have me time after he’s asleep.  Although the flip side of that is old wounds that were healing are ripped open and festering… too much time to think and the ability to cognize.  Sometimes complete exhaustion is a good thing… it reduces pain or the ability to recognize or care that you’re in pain.

Since my schedule changed I’ve had major stress headaches every day.  I’m worrying… about new job role… new functions… new people… and money… money… money… I keep asking myself… Did I make the right decision?

If it were John and I, he would have helped guide me in my decision… working out the pros and cons… and we would have together reached a logical decision.  I know that sometimes, I’m my own worst enemy.  Since John’s death, I’ve had major trust issues… quite frankly, people and organizations I thought I could count on never followed through.  Promises were broken.  Things that I was told would be taken care of, weren’t.  It’s left me with major trust issues… I don’t believe people anymore… I’m cynical… I’m skeptical… and I’ll believe it when it happens.  I don’t even put many things on my calendar until it’s been double or triple confirmed.  Sometimes, I wonder if I even trust myself.

Well today we had an off sight meeting and I probably knew less than twenty of the several hundred people.  I was thinking it would be a dreadful experience and I’d spend most of it by myself… fortunately, I was wrong.  I kept running into people I knew and it was a great experience to talk to some people who I hadn’t seen in ages.

I relaxed and enjoyed it and I let the stress dissipate.  When I got in my car to leave…”Right Now” was playing on the radio.  The song is by Van Halen, John’s favorite band, and it was the song I had chosen for the viewing.

Wikipedia describes the song as-

The song reflects on living for the moment and not being afraid of making a change.



A sign????

Who knows… but it was re-assuring to me.  At any rate, I didn’t get a headache for the rest of the day… and I had good memories of John.



About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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