Photo a Day 11-30-10

Me 11-30-10

Me
11-30-10

This is the camera that I purchased to replace the one that Nathaniel broke.  It’s a Fuji and I got a good deal on it.  I’m still learning how to use it, but I’ve gotten some good shots with it.

It’s almost midnight and no photo… so what to do…  this is me… after kiddo is in bed… after working at “end of month.”… after being at the computer… after thinking more than I should.  At night I can cry without Nathaniel seeing or hearing.  He’s at the age of concern now and I try to keep mommy’s pain… just that.  It’s not a burden he needs to carry.  It’s a Tuesday and it’s raining… I haven’t thought about Tuesdays for a while.  One of those missing John nights… as most are… I love my new shift, but… it does have a few downsides-

  • no more Fridays off
  • I have too much time and the coherency to think
  • an empty bed at night is lonelier than an empty bed in the afternoon

The yellow band is LiveStrong.  The black- Melanoma awareness… they don’t leave my hand unless I fiddle with them.. I even sleep and shower in them (don’t worry… no photos of that… you won’t be scarred for life).  As John is a part of my heart forever, I will wear these bands…

My watch is a dgitial Timex with and alarm set to remind me to get ready to get ready for work.  I can also can use it to measure time if I’m working on a fitness program (like- walk 2 min, jog 1, etc…. yeah need to start utilizing that-again) or in the past if I had a horse on stall rest with a walking requirement… hope to not need to use it for that reason!  My watch also tells me what day of the week it is and the date.  This comes in very handy because there are days, I couldn’t tell you that simple info… especially after John first died… it all melted together into one big mess that became my life… it didn’t matter what day it was… it was another day without John.  Now some semblance of normalcy has intruded, but I still utilize my watch because I often forget things that I did/ heard seconds ago…  for example… look at watch to write date on check… write out check, go to date it and forget the date… I don’t know why, but I do stupid things like that all of the time… most commonly the “did I wash my hair,” as I’m standing in the shower…. don’t worry, my decision is always to do it again… better twice washed than not washed…  I also discovered that if you accidentally catch the tab of the watch and it snaps it sounds exactly like the electric fence… I discovered this tidbit as I was almost run over when about 3 horses went flying backwards when they heard it.  In the future I may get the leather band… who ever thought that a watch band could almost get you killed…

So… maybe tomorrow will have a “better” photo.  But this one is reality.  This one is most nights.  This one is me.  And I’m a “what you see is what you get” person.  Take it or leave it.  It’s not always smiles and roses… there are a lot of tears and horse manure.

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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