Photo a Day 12-6-10

Gym bag 12-6-10

A very unimpressive photo to most… but hopefully a step in the right direction.

The gym was an oasis for me after losing John.  It’s one place where I can go and have some “me” time with no concerns or guilt over childcare.  I’d much prefer saddle time and equine therapy, but without somebody there to watch kiddo, it’s just too risky of a ordeal.  Bad enough if I get dumped and lay there… if my kid isn’t taken care of while I’m laying there that would be too much to bear.

My employer, has a gym at work.  In the past, I went in the AM after working the night shift.  But, with my schedule change, I couldn’t go after work.  My half hour lunch break didn’t allow adequate time to go down there, work out, get cleaned up, and come back.  A little creativity with my schedule, should enable me to have a short workout.

Today, was day one back.  I just pedaled on the bike for a while, nothing impressive, but it was nice to get some “me” time.

The gym can also be an emotional place.  I know John was proud of me in the past for my tiny accomplishments… and there’s nobody to be proud of me anymore even for the minuscule and trivial steps in the right direction.  It was nice to have a cheerleader… a supporter…  John had just the right touch… he never criticized me for my growing waistband, but when it actually would drop or when I was working out or trying to lose weight he had just the right touch of complimenting, supporting, and encouraging.

I’ll always fondly remember the 5K we did at Ripkin Stadium.  It was me, my friend,  and John.  My friend and I had trained long and hard.  We’d followed a 12 week running program and we had decided to run this 5K together.  John just went along for emotional support- no training.

Jen & me

Jenn & I were struggling… John jogged along us slowly encouraging us.  Telling us that we could do it.  He helped me through it… kept me from walking.

At several points John sprinted off a bit and circled back  and at other points, he walked…


It was because it was hard on his long legs to jog so slowly…

But he stuck with us…

Most men would have gotten frustrated and either walked, took off at their own pace, or told the slowpokes to pick it up, or commented that he could run the pace that we could barely stay jogging at.

I’ve said it before… time to reiterate… John wasn’t most men…

John & me- Run to Cooperstown, 7-21-07

Damn… I just was copying the date… the numbers glared at me… 7-21…

I re-read them… stared at them…7-21…

from 5K to coffin.

2007 effortlessly jogging a 5K in the summer heat with no training

2009 gasping for air… taking his last breath..

Life’s just not fair sometimes…

Can’t I just rewind to 2007???  Or 2008???  7-21-08 we would have just had a few days at home with our new son.

Sorry… no rewind button for life… no do-overs… no repeats… it is what it is… it is what you make of it… you never know if there is a tomorrow… or a ten years from now… no guarantees…

About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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