Three things…

 

Three things from Friday stick out in my mind…

First- The conversation with a friend who inquired about my Christmas tree status.  I told her that I was having a hard time with it this year.  Last year my parents helped me put up the tree.  This year, I’m just having a hard time doing it myself.

“Bullshit” I was told… I was told I have to put a tree for Nathaniel.
She’s right… I know I do.  I just can’t drag myself to do it.

I asked if she wanted to come help me put it up.

Tentatively, she’s going to come help me on Monday.

Sometimes, I need some help… a push… a shove… some encouragement…  John was good at being just the right touch to make sure I did what I needed to do… when I needed to… Sometimes I just need somebody to be here… I don’t have John in my court anymore and somethings are hard without a partner.

I have a hard time asking for help… it is rarely volunteered.  People have their own lives.  Their own things to do.  And I’ve passed that magical year threshold.. I’m supposed to be on my own two feet and have everything together… or so, I’m told…

Secondly, In my hurrying to get water done for the horses…  My half hour feeding turned into 1 1/2 hours with running and draining, re-rolling and storing hose.  While in the garage,  I happened to glance down at the bucket that holds the drips from the faucet.  I saw something gray.  I hoped it was dryer lint (yes, my dryer is in the garage… don’t ask).

I thought… please let that be dryer lint.

I had a feeling it wasn’t.

I grabbed a flashlight and was right.

I hoped for movement.  I’m not above rescuing and releasing a mouse.  It wouldn’t be the first time.

First water bucket fatality of the year.  A mouse.  I hate water bucket fatalities, but they’re a reality of farm life… baby birds, birds, and mice are the most common victims.  Usually there are 2-4 a year.

I’d seen a mouse in the garage earlier… put the kitties on mouse patrol.

I don’t want mice in the garage, house, or barn, but I really don’t feel the need that they should have to die.  Field mouse is fine.

I fished out it’s rigid body and tossed it into the row of trees where the dead rodents and birds go.  Maybe someday an archeologist will have a hay-day trying to figure out why there is a plethora of  rodent and bird skeletons… I said a quick prayer.  And wished it hadn’t happened.

What a terrible way to die… stuck in a place that you can’t escape and drowning… poor critter.

We all have to die.  That the way it is.  Have you ever thought about how you want to go?  Somehow, I bet that nobody ever says cancer…

In my sleep

Of old age

those are probably the two most common…

A co-worker had a good one… “after having an orgasm while having sex…”

I modified it a little bit… I said that both partners should pass away together after that simultaneous orgasm and after having many, many years of happily wedded bliss, watching their children, and grandchildren grow up.. and having lived their lives to the fullest- achieved what they wanted to out of life.

The fact is you never really know how much time you’ve got… you could be going to take a drink and that could be the end.

RIP mouse

The third thing was said by a different co-worker… he said, “Somebody, somewhere in the world, wishes that they were you, right now.”

I said… I don’t think so…

He said… “you have a wonderful son, horses, a farm…  Think about somebody who really wants to have a child and can’t.”

I said, “and what about that whole dead husband thing?  I don’t think anybody wants that.”

He said, “I know you didn’t want your marriage to end.  But, think about the people out there in abusive relationships… there are many people who want out of their relationships and to somebody who has a husband beating on her… abusing her… she probably wishes he was gone… maybe even dead.”

Point taken.

Yes, I have a hole in my heart, but I have some very positive things, too.

I have a son who is usually a pretty awesome little dude.

I have six usually wonderful equines, two usually fantastic felines, and a goofy loving dog.

I have a little farm that I love… with my woods and creek.  Home to many neat critters.  Today, I got to watch a beautiful Eastern Bluebird and the three boisterous crows.  I have a beautiful, albeit should be cleaner, house.

I have a job where I work with mostly great people and where although I’m a pretty much a peon… I’m a peon who has some extra responsibilities and got a spirit card sent to me from a manager today, recognizing me.

I also had a great relationship with a wonderful man.  I wish I could say that in present tense.  But there are people out there without past or present tense.

It’s easy to dwell on what you don’t have.  John is a hard thing to “get over.”  Human nature is to always want more and to not be satisfied with what you have.  Although, in general, I dont’ fall into this trap… John’s death leaves me pining for the “pre stage four days.”  But, I was very, very happy in the “pre stage four days.”  Sometimes, I need to remind myself that there is a lot that I have and I do have the ability to fix a lot of the things that I don’t have.

 

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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