Trying to make sense of it all…

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what this life means… how we’re a part of something greater… and why losing John happened…

I don’t know that I’ll ever figure it out.

Feeding today… I heard an unmistakable noise – the whir of mourning dove’s wings.  I saw a few a few days ago, so I know they’re back.

Doing a report at work a number jumped out at me… 343.  I looked at it.  Stopped.  Stared.  Paused.  Reflected. Remembered.

And wondered… how many people know the significance of 343?

How many people still remember?

I talked to customers across the country.  A customer from Alaska told me the temperature was 23 degrees… I came home to 13 and a garage that was 32.8.  Luckily, the washing machine hadn’t frozen.  I cranked up the heat.  Cursed at the situation.  And wondered if it was currently warmer in Alaska than Maryland.

I also talked to a customer from Hawaii.  I have yet to meet an unhappy customer from HI.  I wonder, are people from warm, sunny, tropical, beautiful locations just eternally happy?  How much would it cost to move?

Today, caught the clock at 9:11, 11:09, and 11:11.

A friend was talking about her father who has cancer.  Last time we’d talked it was very early in the diagnosis stages.  Now they think it’s in his bones.  I remembered how much John’s hip hurt with that damn tumor.  Her father is in pain.  Radiation is prescribed for him.  I don’t know a prognosis.  She told me how he went through the stages of… not going to fight it… to going to beat it… and the doubt that lies in the middle.  She said he’d lost a lot of weight.  I thought of John’s spine.  I hope her father has much better luck with his cancer.  I hope he beats it.

Caught the lyrics of a song I’d heard a million times, but never really noticed the words.  Can’t quite remember them… or who the singer or title was…  but something about hard to breathe underground…  I thought of my once vibrant husband who was so full of life… and now he’s probably just bones in a casket under the earth… no breath… no life… just memories…  sigh.

Logged into FB & the where it says “married to” it is no longer a name with no link… John’s picture is there… and I can once again click on the link and go to his page (for those who don’t know somebody “memorialized” his page without asking and the changes were pretty negative to me, but with the new profiles, much of what was missing is back.)  Anyway, seeing his picture there made me feel loved again.

Talked to a customer… actually, a customer’s husband, today.  His wife has cancer.  Had her voice box removed.  He was trying to figure out how we could get a resolution to a problem.  On the surface, he was strong, but, I could tell that he was concerned and weak over his wife’s illness.  They’d temporarily moved from the cold Midwest to sunny Florida because it was better for her.  It reminded me of how I would have done anything for John to get him better… to make him more comfortable… to make sure he had the dignity and treatment that he deserved… and how I always loved him even when he was so very, very sick.  The man had uncertainty… he said that people told him he should get power of attorney… he tries to help with things and people won’t talk to him.  I wanted to reach through the phone and give him a huge hug.  To tell him… no matter what… let his wife know how much she was loved… to do everything to make her comfortable and to fight for her to get better tooth and nail.  I wanted to share my life experiences so he wouldn’t have to learn the hard way.  To tell him… to plan for the very worst (although you’re never read), but to pray for and fight for and strive for the very best!

And most of all… I wanted his wife to live… to get better, so he’d never have to go through what I’ve gone through.

But.. that wasn’t my place… it isn’t my job.  There are ears that listen and listening scores that need achieving, and there would be questions to answer if I had spend hours comforting, commiserating, and encouraging.  Part of me wondered… would humanity over-rule for once?  Or not?

So, instead, I talked to my manager… got permission to go above and beyond and to be human… and helped the man as best as I could.  I empathized with him and told him I understood, I’d lost my husband to cancer.  In the end, his frustration had ebbed and he was comfortable and satisfied.  I hope that in his rough road ahead, I offered a few moments of peace, and gave him the ability to get back to more important things- like spending time with his wife.

I was proud of myself.  My voice never cracked.  No pauses to regain composure.  And somehow, I said, “I understand what you’re going through, I lost my husband to cancer a year and a half ago,” as if it were part of a normal everyday conversation.

Why did that man get transferred to me?

Is it all just random?  Meaningless? Coincidental?  Is there a greater reason?  Was this a sign?  How do you decipher it?  Or are we all just turkeys for somebody’s Thanksgiving?

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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