Valentine’s Day continued

My time management and organization skills (outside of work) suck.  Throw in a toddler and I’m lucky I ever get anything done.  Throw in a toddler having a bad day and it’s a good thing there wasn’t a bridge handy… The day started out good, but before noon there were so many temper tantrums and meltdowns that I’d lost track.  “No!” had be said or screamed enough to books that comprised hundreds of pages.  I had reached my wits end… good lord… just let me go to work… PLEASE!!!  Let me pay somebody else to care for him…. and is there any possibility that they have boarding schools for two- year-olds… this afternoon I would have worked 20 full time jobs to afford it!

Anyway, I not only didn’t get my nephew’s present mailed.  I didn’t get to get flowers and I didn’t make it to the cemetery.

On my way to work… it was simply “dammit…. oh well.. who cares.”

As the day wore on, it progressed to “what kind of wife was I if I couldn’t even be organized enough to take flowers to my husband’s grave.”

Then throw in that damn internal conflict of… “well… not like he would have got me flowers…”

I had a few co-workers who realized that V-day is difficult when your love is dead.  Then one mentioned my husband and referred to him as genius.   John was very talented at so many things.  A lot of people have one niche if they’re lucky.  John had many.  It felt good to hear somebody else fondly remembering him.

Another co-worker who is GREAT at remembering things and being there when needed brought in flowers and a card.  On top of that the flowers were a single yellow rose and a yellow lily.

Suddenly, the problem was solved… I had flowers…

I stopped at Buffalo Wild Wings after work to support the local 4-H.  The place was practically empty.  I guess wings aren’t exactly the couples place to go for V-day.  Take out for one and I was on my way.

Picked up kiddo… it was a few minutes before 11.  I figured it would put us at the cemetery close to that magic 11:09.  I just hoped that 1.  My Subaru would get me through the cemetery and 2.  I wouldn’t have any run-ins with the police.  I figured the latter would be easily explainable with a toddler in pajamas and flowers.  We didn’t exactly fit the profile of troublemakers or grave robbers.

As, I headed towards the cemetery the tears fell down my face.  As much as I’d blown off Valentine’s Day… it was still Valentine’s Day and John was still dead… and I still miss him… and I still love him…

As I rolled into town, this came on the radio:

It certainly seemed like a sign… John was  a HUGE Van Halen fan.

According to my car clock, I pulled into the cemetery driveway at 11:09.  I smiled.

Now I just needed my trusty Subaru to get me through the cemetery.  Thankfully, the temperature was 36 and only residual ice/snow were left.  The cemetery doesn’t get plowed… with my sarcastic sense of humor I’ve been known to comment that it only gets plowed if somebody dies.    Sadly, that seems to be the case.  I wish no death upon anybody.  There is a steep hill with two close solid columns to pass through and typically turn into/out of although you can go straight and turn later.  I’ve had my share of slips in that vicinity, so I always treat the area with respect and an extra dose of caution when the road is questionable.  The hill still had snow and ice over part of it, but the Subaru navigated successfully.

According to my watch, I reached John’s grave at 11:09.  I smiled again.

I laid the flowers down, adjusted his LiveStrong band, shed some tears, had a one sided conversation apologized for my lack of organization and house cleaning skills.  I told him he’d be proud of his boy.  I told him I loved him and missed him.

Then, I got in the car and headed home.  When I stopped to get the mail, I had a package from my sister.  She sent me a very thoughtful card about how she knew it was a difficult time for me.  And she sent me a pair of cozy socks.

I smiled… at times when I feel so alone and this world feels so uncaring.  It’s nice to know that I have a few people who care and who remember.

Love you John… miss you always… and “I can’t wait to feel your love” again…


About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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