A Dream with John

I had a dream with John in it.  I don’t remember my dreams very often and as much as I’d love to dream about John, it rarely happens.

In my dream, kiddo had to hit a ball so far.  I don’t know if it was in pre-school, school, or little league.  John gestured and explained  that Nathaniel needs to be able to hit the ball from here to there.  He was explaining a baseball diamond.  He then told me that there were inflatable balls that way he wouldn’t hurt himself if he got hit and that if he hit anybody it wouldn’t hurt them.

John’s interest in playing baseball pretty much ended when he got hit by a ball as a child.

He then told me that he had his old tee and some bases and I could set up a practice diamond for Nathaniel.  He made it clear that there was no need to buy the set, he had one.

I don’t know where we were, but we weren’t home.  We had been in separate vehicles.  John was distant.  Not cold, but far from warm.  As it he were telling me something on a professional basis.  He didn’t say much.  It was like he was giving me a direction… telling me what to do.  Not asking, not including me in the process…. just – do this.  Kiddo wasn’t with us.  I don’t know where he was.  Before we left there was no “Goodbye”  no kiss.. no hug… no “I’ll be home in a few”  and no “I love you.”  We got in our vehicles and left.  I went home hoping he’d come home.  When I got home I straightened the house up, so he wouldn’t be disappointed.  But he didn’t come home.

It was just a strange dream.  I don’t have a baseball set of John’s.  I have some softballs and a baseball or two that the AFD firefighters played with to occupy time.  At two, kiddo won’t be playing baseball anytime soon.  Maybe it’s because Spring just started.  Baseball and Spring go together.  I’m not a  baseball fan.  One thing that John really wanted when he was sick was for somebody to teach Nathaniel to throw a ball.  He knows my athletic talents are pathetic and he felt that boys should know how to at least throw balls correctly.  Kiddo seems to do pretty well on his own if you ask me.

It was just a strange dream.  I kept hoping it would continue.  That it would make sense.  But then I guess dreams don’t have to make sense.


About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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