Another dream

John was in dream last night.  It was strange… like I was there watching, but not a part- we didn’t interact.

In the dream, John’s cancer was stageIV, the prognosis was grim, but he was feeling relatively okay.

The fire company decided to give him an award.  Basically, it was like…. “oh shit… he proably is going to die, so… we want to make sure that he knows we appreciated him… even though we don’t have a specific instance that he deserves a medal for.”  I’m not sure if the award was supposed to make John feel appreciated or if it was suppposed to keep those in the fire company feel as if they had done the right thing, so they didn’t have a guilty concience for not appreciating him while he was alive and for all of the things that he did.

Anyway… John saw that it was  a total BS award.  He hated those sort of things.  But… for whatever reason he went to the awards ceremony and accepted the award.  I don’t know why.  Normally, he would have not went.

It  was just a bizzare dream that on so many levels made no sense, but in other ways made lots of sense.  So often we don’t appreciate people when they’re living and only find how important they are when they’re gone.  I’ve had many conversations with multiple people that I didn’t prompt about how much the one fire company never appreciated all of his years of service and dedication.  There were no identifiable people in the dream, so I couldn’t tell you which fire company it was.

It was odd that I was just an observer and not there with John as a part of the dream.  How nice it would have been to talk to him, to be able to embrace him and be in his arms… if only a dream…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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