Today, was an interesting day.  The weather turned from warm to cold and windy.  As I was driving to work, they sky was mostly filled with turbulent, menacing clouds.  However, there were two beautiful spots of serene blue.  I don’t know why, but I thought of John.  I wondered if he could see the view from Heaven and what it would look like.  Then my mind meandered a bit and wondered if there really is a Heaven and if John really is okay.  No sooner did that thought cross my mind when I spotted something.  It took me a few seconds to realize what it was.  A beautiful little hawk swooped down and flew directly across the path of the Jeep.  I didn’t even have time to hit the brakes, but his flight was true like a guided missile.  Too big for a kestrel, too small for a red-tailed… most likely a Cooper’s.  I smiled as if an answer had been sent.

Then later, I climbed into the Jeep and wished I had John around to share the incident with.  A gut feeling led me to do the right thing when helped an elderly gentleman and smooshed a perp.

I was feeling quite happy and even a little proud and wished that I could tell John.

He didn’t often like hearing about my work and rarely discussed his.  “Tell me about your day” didn’t happen in our household.  In fact, he once bluntly told me that he didn’t care to hear about my work.  But that was John.  Occasionally, his eyes would light up and he’d tell me about a fire or a rescue and on very rare occasions he’d be interested in my day.  I learned to keep trivial bits unsaid.  But, this scenario would have been one he would have enjoyed.  He would have liked this one… good guy wins… bad guy loses.

But… he isn’t here…  In a good relationship there is something special between spouses, a certain caring that only exists between your partner.  That unconditional love…  And it’s gone.  Not coming back.  I tried to block the thought with pondering over what I’d have for dinner.  It is what it is.  I tried to push the sorrow under the rug and be gone with it.

I turned on the Jeep and playing on the radio was “Standing on Top of the World” by Van Halen.

John’s favorite group was Van Halen.  That particular song was one that I’d chosen to play at his viewing.

Maybe it’s a stretch, but in some way, it seemed like if he could have picked a song to convey the conversation we had about my day… he would have picked that song.  Almost like a “good job” or “way to go.”  Which was always appreciated because John rarely dispensed compliments… which had it’s positives and negatives, but at least you knew a “good job” was truly meant.  He kept the same high standards for himself so he at least kept the scales (of judgement) balanced.

But today, it felt as if there was a little… “Way to go, Mary!” sent my way.


About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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