Those nights…

The light on the answering machine message blinked… I pushed play.  I wished I hadn’t… stress… stress… stress… stress… and of course the office was long closed.  I couldn’t sleep… laying there in bed, I tossed, I turned… and the only thing that could help me sleep was gone.

John had this way of calming and reassuring me… everything would be okay… don’t worry… “it’s okay,” or “it’s going to be okay.”  And wrapped in his arms, embraced in his arms… it was okay.

But the arms… the reassurance… the “okay” they’re all gone…

Finally, sometime after 3:30, sleep came.

This AM, I woke up, made the phone call and attempted to not worry, but worry is what I do best.  I’ve gone this far… I’ve been this strong… I can persevere.  It’s all mind games… meant to whittle me down and grind me into the dirt like a bug twisted into the ground with a boot toe… But, I’ve been through Hell… this is  piece of cake compared to losing John.

When I hung up the phone I glanced at the time 11:09.  Last night, I’d asked John for a sign and to help me make it through.  As they say, “here’s your sign.”

Feeding the horses, my mind was so cluttered, I had to double check myself to make sure I hadn’t forgotten to feed somebody!  Which reminds me… I forgot to feed the dogs!!!  The field horses were down by the road, I had hoped to take a walk this AM, bu  hadn’t had the opportunity with the lack of sleep, so I walked down to see them.

I marveled at how their head popped up like prairie dogs as they saw me.  Instead of going for the grain, Wilson stopped and waited… I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a huge hug.  Ever since I was a little girl, horse hugs made the world a better place.  Lu Lu nudged me… she wanted her hug.  I leaned down and gave her a great big pony hug!  Then Willow waited for hers.  In a pasture where normally the three of the four would have grain for their number one priority, today, they seemed to know, Mary needed a hug.  To give Remington credit, he first walked up to me for a face rub before heading off to scarf down his grain.

For those who want to grind me down, John may be gone, but I still have my equine therapists… Now off to feed the dogs…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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