When I stopped by the cemetery on Friday AM the corner markers had been set. I knew they had arrived and had talked with John’s friend who works at Foard’s. He told me that he’d personally take care of setting them. I appreciated that. John would approve, too.
So, I knew they were going to be set. I thought that I would find it comforting. Like having a boundary survey, so you know exactly where your spot is. To know that eventually we’ll be together again. But for some reason it was saddening to me. I don’t know why. I’ve thought about it all day and can’t figure the reason why. I don’t know if it is because it made me think of our bed… one side is full and the other is empty. Or that it made me consider my own mortality. I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. Grief just doesn’t make sense sometimes.
I went home and put Nathaniel down for his nap and I crawled in bed and bawled and bawled. I haven’t bawled for a while… cried every day, several times a day, but not bawled. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Alone in my bed is a good place for that. I don’t have to worry about sending mixed signals to the little man. It’s been a rough week and I don’t know why.
October is a rough month for me. I lost the first love of my life in October 1992. He was my beloved red dun gelding, P.C. My first and at the time only horse who like John, died way too young. Then in October of 1999 I lost my Grandfather Winebrenner and my Grandmother Brown. My Grandmother died from colon cancer on Halloween and she was always very special to me. I remember as John got more ill, I thought to myself… just don’t let him die near my birthday or in October. Every person has their limits and my October is full of negative events.
October is almost over… let’s hope that November will bring more healing and less sadness. Of course, November brings John’s Birthday, so we’ll see how that goes.
