Valentine’s Day

Okay… ladies out there who bitch and complain that their husbands/ significant others never get them anything or aren’t romantic.

I want to give you some hope.

God forbid, if you ever lose your spouse or significant other, the pain will not cut so deeply…

You won’t remember the card that isn’t there, the missing flowers, the lack of chocolates, the dinner you aren’t eating with your beloved, etc…

Because if you never/rarely got them, you really can’t miss them.  Valentine’s Day still may be tough, but it won’t have the raw heartache and pain of pouring salt on a open wound that it would if you were treated like a Princess on Valentine’s Day.

That being said, I’m going to hug “Horace” before I go to bed tonight.  One Valentine’s Day, John must have felt more in the mood and he got me a Build-A-Bear horse and named it Horace.  I believe he thought “Horace the Horse” had a nice ring to it.

I believe he got me roses for our first Valentine’s Day together… I remember I found it incredibly romantic at the time because nobody had gotten me flowers before… I also think it was the only time that he bought me flowers, but that’s okay… I loved him through and through flowers or no flowers

I was very sad today that I couldn’t go to the cemetery.  Brookview Cemetery still has not been plowed.  I’m interested to find the reason.  Perhaps there is a valid one.  But, if not, I find it VERY inconsiderate that when everybody else has been dug out from both storms for DAYS, Brookview wasn’t even dug out once (aka they never even plowed after blizzard #1).

I contemplated walking up myself, but thought that might not be the best idea… to start there is a solid wall of snow at the road- probably well over 3 feet tall.  After that I would have had to traipse through two to three to four feet of snow… depending on if it drifted.  There is a steep hill which would have to be climbed.  If I couldn’t find somebody to watch Nathaniel, I would have to carry a toddler who is not a lightweight.  Oh and to top it off, when I had my heart attack, I would have been inaccessible to EMS crews.  John entrusted me to have some bit of common sense and the risks seemed too great.

I half wonder if somebody will have to die before Brookview gets plowed.  You know, oh… we’ve got to do a funeral there, now we’ll plow!  Often money coming in seems to change people’s abilities to get things done… and trust me a funeral is not a cheap endeavor.

I’ve already had one terrible dream as a result of not being able to go there and I really wanted to go to be able to take a rose to John for Valentine’s Day.  I’m sure I wasn’t the only person who is disheartened that he/she couldn’t go.  Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, Christmas, and more are all holidays were people who don’t regularly visit the cemetery want to visit their loved one’s graves.

But, I know that John wouldn’t want me to put myself or ‘the boy’ at risk to make it to the cemetery.  He knows how much I love him and I don’t need a rose to show my love.  Just like he didn’t have to get me a Valentine’s gift to show his.

John, I love you… yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too.  Love Always…

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About Mary K. Smith

I was widowed in July 2009, when I lost my beloved husband, John, to melanoma. Cancer SUCKS. We have a young son who was just a year old when his father died. I live on a small farm in Maryland which is home to horses, cats, and a dog. I started this blog as a way for me to heal, a way to remember my husband, and eventually I'd like to share it with our son so he can see the love that his father had for him, the love that we had for each other, what a great person his father was, and how hard his father fought to live.
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